Which White House staffer is your Valentine’s Day muse?

Feb 14 2017

Setting the right romantic tone for Valentine’s Day is always a challenge, perhaps this year more than ever. According to a new poll, since the election, 98% of Americans’ souls have completely left their bodies, leaving them unable to identify their own emotions and desires. Sad!

But even as the political climate crushes your spirit, it still has the ability to inspire. Figuring out what you should do for Valentine’s Day is as simple as figuring out which member of Trump’s administration is your personal north star. Take our quiz below and find your most pressing romantic query answered, big league.

  1. When getting ready for a date, you like to dress…
    A. In a suit at least one size too big
    B. Like a proper lady
    C. With a tie the length of your arms
    D. Like you have never once seen your reflection
  2. What’s your idea of a dream date?
    A. Spending the night curled up by the fire, hoping your boss doesn’t tweet
    B. Downing a bottle of champagne before going on CNN to fight with Jake Tapper
    C. A candlelit dinner at Mar-A-Lago followed by a long walk on the beach to look for refugees
    D. Plotting to restrict the voting rights of millions while getting a couples’ massage
  3. You prefer a date who speaks…
    A. Like they just got caught lying about their homework
    B. Without any regard for fact vs. fiction
    C. At the 3rd-grade level
    D. English. The right kind of English.
  4. What’s the perfect Valentine’s gift?
    A. A carton of cinnamon gum and being left the fuck alone for five minutes
    B. Getting invited back on all the Sunday shows, even after lying through your teeth
    C. The promise of complete destruction of your enemies
    D. Unrestricted access to the nation’s military power
  5. What’s your aphrodisiac of choice?
    A. Tums
    B. Glue
    C. Retweets
    D. Children’s nightmares

Give yourself a 20 for every A answer, a 40 for every B answer, a 60 for every C answer and a 80 for every D answer.

Scores between 100 and 175
You are Sean Spicer!
Someone better snap you up quick because you are not long for this earth. Your stress level is through the roof which, while having the obvious downside of dramatically reducing your lifespan, makes you a frenetic lover. Some people like that. Quit your job and download a meditation app and you might have a chance of making it to next Valentine’s Day.
Where to go to dinner: any drive thru, you don’t have time for sit-down dinner

Scores between 175 and 250
You are Kellyanne Conway!
If the key to seduction is mystery, girl, you will have no problem this Valentine’s Day! There’s just something about you we can’t put our finger on: are you evil, are you disturbed, are you a visitor from a parallel universe where the wrong side won every war? There’s just no way to know. But one thing is for sure: you’re the kind of person who tells the barista, “Surprise me,” and then stabs them to death when they get your order wrong. And we love that about you!
Where to go to dinner: the woods

Scores between 250 and 325
You are Donald Trump!
You’re going to win Valentine’s Day big league. Your date is never less than a 10 and you can always get a table at the best restaurants because you own them. I mean, you don’t “own them” own them anymore, your kids do. It’s fine. And you’re a classy guy who will never order for his date because that would involve reading the menu, which is for losers. You’re smart, you know what the menu says. 
Where to go to dinner: Air Force One as it circles over wherever the Obamas are having dinner

Scores between 325 and 400
You are Steve Bannon!
You are a living nightmare. You’ve never taken a hard look at yourself in the mirror because nothing would be there, and you’re fine with that. It’s not that you’re a zealot so much as you just think the annihilation of the planet would be amusing. If you have a penis, it’s haunted as fuck.
Where to go to dinner: The Overlook Hotel