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DVS Offerings

Saturday, Dec 20
12 AM

Melissa Peterman and Sarah Colonna

Deal With It

BAD BOYFRIEND: After playing the part of the gentleman by helping a cute waitress clear a nearby table, this contestant's good deeds are not appreciated by his girlfriend, especially after he asks for the waitress' number. Co-host: Sarah Colonna. AWARDS LUNCH: When her lunch is interrupted by a substitute teacher's appreciation ceremony, our contestant decides to show her support with a rousing cheer. Co-host: Melissa Peterman.

TV-14

12:30 AM

Marlon Wayans and Mo Mandel

Deal With It

LIFESTYLE CHANGE: After introducing his wife to some people he met on an alternative lifestyle website that specializes in cuddling parties, the last thing this contestant's wife wants is a hug. Co-host: Marlon Wayans. INHERITANCE: As if revealing he's a gigolo for elderly women isn't difficult enough, this contestant has his hands full when his favorite client shows up and proposes an item to cross of her bucket list. Co-host: Mo Mandel.

TV-14

1 AM

Tower Heist (DVS)

Queens native Josh Kovaks has managed one of the most luxurious and well-secured residences in New York City for more than a decade. Under his watchful eye, nothing goes undetected. In the swankiest unit atop Josh's building, Wall Street titan Arthur Shaw is under house arrest after being caught stealing two billion from his investors. The hardest hit among those he defrauded? The tower staffers whose pensions he was entrusted to manage. With only days before Arthur gets away with the perfect crime, Josh's crew turns to petty crook Slide to plan the nearly impossible ... to steal what they are sure is hidden in Arthur's guarded condo. Though amateurs, these rookie thieves know the building better than anyone. Turns out they've been casing the place for years, they just didn't know it.

TV-14

3 AM

The Tuxedo

Cabbie-turned-chauffeur Jimmy Tong learns there is really only one rule when you work for playboy millionaire Clark Devlin: Never touch Devlin's prized tuxedo. But when Devlin is temporarily put out of commission in an explosive "accident," Jimmy puts on the tux and soon discovers that this extraordinary suit may be more black belt than black tie. Suddenly thrust into a dangerous world of espionage, paired with a rookie partner as inexperienced as he is, Jimmy becomes an unwitting -- if impeccably dressed -- secret agent.

TV-14

5 AM

Nightmare on Al's Street

Married with Children

Marcy has dreams about Al while Steve is on a business trip, leading her to ask Peggy for help.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

Johnny B. Gone

Married with Children

Al and Peggy have tickets to attend the final night of their favorite hamburger joint. But when family problems get in the way, Al may miss out on the historical night.

TV-PG

6 AM

Buck Can Do It

Married with Children

Buck mates another dog, making the owner of the dog so angry that he sues Al.

TV-PG

6:30 AM

Poppy's By the Tree (1)

Married with Children

The Bundys are at a hotel in Florida, only to find that an ax murderer lives there.

TV-PG

7 AM

Poppy's By the Tree

Married with Children

Peg gets kidnapped! Can Al get her back

TV-PG

7:30 AM

If I Were a Rich Man

Married with Children

Al and Steve find out about 1 million dollars missing from the bank and the other Bundys think they have it.

TV-PG

8 AM

Fresh Brood

The King of Queens

When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

G'Night, Stalker

The King of Queens

Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.

TV-PG

9 AM

Move Doubt

The King of Queens

Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.

TV-PG

9:30 AM

Gambling N'Diction

The King of Queens

Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.

TV-PG

10 AM

The Tuxedo

Cabbie-turned-chauffeur Jimmy Tong learns there is really only one rule when you work for playboy millionaire Clark Devlin: Never touch Devlin's prized tuxedo. But when Devlin is temporarily put out of commission in an explosive "accident," Jimmy puts on the tux and soon discovers that this extraordinary suit may be more black belt than black tie. Suddenly thrust into a dangerous world of espionage, paired with a rookie partner as inexperienced as he is, Jimmy becomes an unwitting -- if impeccably dressed -- secret agent.

TV-14

12 PM

Tower Heist (DVS)

Queens native Josh Kovaks has managed one of the most luxurious and well-secured residences in New York City for more than a decade. Under his watchful eye, nothing goes undetected. In the swankiest unit atop Josh's building, Wall Street titan Arthur Shaw is under house arrest after being caught stealing two billion from his investors. The hardest hit among those he defrauded? The tower staffers whose pensions he was entrusted to manage. With only days before Arthur gets away with the perfect crime, Josh's crew turns to petty crook Slide to plan the nearly impossible ... to steal what they are sure is hidden in Arthur's guarded condo. Though amateurs, these rookie thieves know the building better than anyone. Turns out they've been casing the place for years, they just didn't know it.

TV-14

2 PM

Rush Hour 3 (DVS)

In the heart of Paris lies a deadly secret. Half a world away in Los Angeles, Ambassador Han is about to disclose it. In his possession is explosive new evidence about the inner workings of the Triads -- the most powerful and notorious crime syndicate in the world. The Ambassador has discovered the identity of Shy Shen, the very crux of the wide-ranging crime ring, and he's about to reveal it to the World Criminal Court -- until he is silenced by an assassin's bullet. The Triads will go to any lengths to make sure their secrets stay buried, and there's only one hope for stopping them. LAPD Detective Carter and Chinese Inspector Lee are back -- back where they don't belong. The unlikely duo is headed to the City of Lights to stop a global criminal conspiracy and save the life of an old friend, Ambassador Han's now-grown daughter, Soo Yung. They don't know the city, the language or even exactly what they're looking for, but their race will take them across the city, from the depths of the Paris underground to the breathtaking heights of the Eiffel Tower, as they fight to outrun the world's most deadly criminals and save the day.

TV-14

4 PM

The One With Unagi (SAP)

Friends

Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Ross tries to teach martial arts to Rachel and Phoebe. Joey hires a look-alike.

TV-PG

4:30 PM

The One Where Ross Dates A Student (SAP)

Friends

When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.

TV-PG

5 PM

The One With Joey's Fridge (SAP)

Friends

Ross worries when his student/girlfriend goes on vacation with her wild friends. Meanwhile, Joey's refrigerator breaks down.

TV-PG

5:30 PM

The One With The Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. (SAP)

Friends

In this episode, primarily composed of clips from earlier shows, Joey auditions for a major television role. But Chandler almost ruins everything.

TV-PG

6 PM

No Roll! (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray brings home an adult board game in an attempt to spice things up with Debra.

TV-PG

6:30 PM

Odd Man Out (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank is jealous when Marie spends time with Marco.

TV-PG

7 PM

Ray's Ring (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray loses his wedding ring during a business trip.

TV-PG

7:30 PM

Marie's Sculpture (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Marie's abstract sculpture horrifies Ray and Debra.

TV-PG

8 PM

The Habitation Configuration (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Bernadette pressures Howard to move out of his mother's house, while Sheldon finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between Amy and Wil Wheaton.

TV-PG

8:30 PM

The 43 Peculiarity (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Howard and Raj try to solve a mystery about Sheldon.

TV-PG

9 PM

The Parking Spot Escalation (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon & Howard battle over an assigned parking spot.

TV-14

9:30 PM

The Fish Guts Displacement (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Howard bonds with his father-n-law on a fishing trip.

TV-PG

10 PM

The Santa Simulation (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon unwillingly revisits some Christmas memories during a lively game of Dungeons and Dragons, while Raj joins the girls for ladies night out.

TV-14

10:30 PM

The Egg Salad Equivalency (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon is accused of sexual harassment at the University and winds up dragging Leonard, Raj and Howard into the fray.

TV-14

11 PM

Conan to Go

This one-hour special features Conan O'Brien's favorite remotes from the past four seasons of TBS's CONAN, including "Lyft Kevin Hart & Ice Cube," "Conan Visits American Girl" and "Clueless Gamer: Grand Theft Auto 5," along with many others.

TV-14

Sunday, Dec 21
12 AM

Baked & Toasted

Ground Floor

Determined to prove to Mansfield, there's no place too low to start his climb back up to the top, Brody is working on the ground floor in an effort to get noticed. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to notice are Harvard and Derrick who are worried the super efficient Brody will soon have them out of a job. They come up with a mellow way to slow him down. Jenny is thrilled to discover she went to high school with Lindsay, but less thrilled when Lindsay's memories of high school cast Jenny in a whole new light.

TV-14

12:30 AM

Melissa Peterman and Sarah Colonna

Deal With It

BAD BOYFRIEND: After playing the part of the gentleman by helping a cute waitress clear a nearby table, this contestant's good deeds are not appreciated by his girlfriend, especially after he asks for the waitress' number. Co-host: Sarah Colonna. AWARDS LUNCH: When her lunch is interrupted by a substitute teacher's appreciation ceremony, our contestant decides to show her support with a rousing cheer. Co-host: Melissa Peterman.

TV-14

1 AM

Marlon Wayans and Mo Mandel

Deal With It

LIFESTYLE CHANGE: After introducing his wife to some people he met on an alternative lifestyle website that specializes in cuddling parties, the last thing this contestant's wife wants is a hug. Co-host: Marlon Wayans. INHERITANCE: As if revealing he's a gigolo for elderly women isn't difficult enough, this contestant has his hands full when his favorite client shows up and proposes an item to cross of her bucket list. Co-host: Mo Mandel.

TV-14

1:30 AM

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.

TV-14

3:30 AM

The Time Machine

Scientist and inventor Alexander Hartdegen is determined to prove that time travel is possible. His determination is turned to desperation by a personal tragedy that now drives him to want to change the past. Testing his theories with a time machine of his own invention, Hartdegen is hurtled 800,000 years into the future. There he finds a post-apocalyptic world where he discovers that mankind has been divided into the hunter ... and the hunted.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Married with Children

The phone line to the Bundys get cut off after Al refuses to pay the bill.

TV-PG

6 AM

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1)

Married with Children

Marcy and Peggy go to a strip club, but Marcy ends up losing her ring in a very uncomfortable space...

TV-PG

6:30 AM

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (2)

Married with Children

The men take action over Peg and Marcy, just to make them feel bad about what happened.

TV-PG

7 AM

Born to Walk

Married with Children

Al needs to renew his license, but fails the test. Kelly, on the other hand, gets her license on the same day.

TV-PG

7:30 AM

Apartment Complex

The King of Queens

Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.

TV-PG

8 AM

Raygin Bulls

The King of Queens

When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

Knee Jerk

The King of Queens

Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.

TV-PG

9 AM

Present Tense

The King of Queens

When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.

TV-PG

9:30 AM

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad (SAP)

Friends

Ross is nervous about meeting Paul (BRUCE WILLIS), Elizabeth's (ALEXANDRA HOLDEN) dad, and invites the gang to the coffeehouse for moral support.

TV-PG

10 AM

The One Where Paul's The Man (SAP)

Friends

Elizabeth (ALEXANDRA HOLDEN) and Ross decide to hide their relationship from her father (BRUCE WILLIS) and head up to his cabin for the weekend.

TV-PG

10:30 AM

The One Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break (Part I) (SAP)

Friends

Phoebe becomes involved with a foreign diplomat. Ross becomes involved with another woman after a fight with Rachel.

TV-PG

11 AM

The One The Morning After (SAP)

Friends

Ross wakes up with Chloe, but an oblivious Rachel wants to resume their relationship.

TV-PG

11:30 AM

Cop Out

Two longtime NYPD partners on the trail of a stolen, rare, mint-condition baseball card find themselves up against a merciless, memorabilia-obsessed gangster. But before they can recover the prized '52 Pafko, they must first rescue a Mexican beauty who holds the key to millions of dollars in off-shore bank accounts -- and who already has witnessed one high-profile murder because of them. Veteran detective Jimmy Monr needs to cash in on his perfect Pafko in order to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, but in the tradition of everything that can go wrong, it's pilfered before he has a chance to collect. Paul Hodges is Jimmy's partner-against-crime, whose preoccupation with his wife's alleged infidelity makes it hard for him to keep his eye on the ball or his mind on the crime. Already in trouble and with nothing left to lose, Jimmy and Paul will have to break all the rules, including enlisting the aid of stoner thief Dave, who's working Paul's last nerve as Paul and Jimmy try to work the case.

TV-14

1:45 PM

My Baby's Daddy

Lonnie, Dominic and "G" are three bachelor buddies from the hood who, after a lifetime of hard-partying, are in for a crude awakening when their respective girlfriends all get pregnant at the same time. The fathers-to-be embark on an emotional journey while learning as much about themselves as they do about love and fatherhood.

TV-14

3:30 PM

Nothing Like the Holidays (DVS)

It's Christmas time, and the far-flung members of the Rodriguez family are converging at their parents' home in Chicago to celebrate the season and rejoice in their youngest brother's safe return from combat overseas. For Jesse, coming home has rekindled feelings for an old flame, although she can't seem to forgive him for leaving. His older sister Roxanna, a struggling actress, has been chasing her Hollywood dreams for years with little to show for it. And much to the dismay of their mother Anna, eldest brother Mauricio brings home a high-powered executive wife who would rather raise capital than a child. In the course of one eventful week, traditions will be celebrated, secrets revealed and major life decisions made. It all begins when Anna announces to her children she is divorcing their father Eduardo. The shock waves from this familial upheaval prompt Roxanna, Mauricio and Jesse, each in their own way, to re-evaluate the past and rethink the future. But when the Rodriguezes learn that one of their own is facing a true crisis, they instinctively pull together: Old resentments are forgotten, familial bonds are re-affirmed and the healing power of laughter works its magic as the family discovers they are much stronger than they ever realized.

TV-PG

5:30 PM

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (DVS)

Helen McCarter seemingly has had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter. Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth -- a little piece of paradise away from the city. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen's paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He abruptly and literally tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help -- mostly unsolicited, by the way -- of her pot-smoking, gun-toting and much-beloved grandmother figure Madea.

TV-14

8 PM

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (DVS)

After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle -- defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington -- and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.

TV-14

10 PM

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (DVS)

Helen McCarter seemingly has had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter. Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth -- a little piece of paradise away from the city. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen's paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He abruptly and literally tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help -- mostly unsolicited, by the way -- of her pot-smoking, gun-toting and much-beloved grandmother figure Madea.

TV-14

Monday, Dec 22
12:30 AM

Nothing Like the Holidays (DVS)

It's Christmas time, and the far-flung members of the Rodriguez family are converging at their parents' home in Chicago to celebrate the season and rejoice in their youngest brother's safe return from combat overseas. For Jesse, coming home has rekindled feelings for an old flame, although she can't seem to forgive him for leaving. His older sister Roxanna, a struggling actress, has been chasing her Hollywood dreams for years with little to show for it. And much to the dismay of their mother Anna, eldest brother Mauricio brings home a high-powered executive wife who would rather raise capital than a child. In the course of one eventful week, traditions will be celebrated, secrets revealed and major life decisions made. It all begins when Anna announces to her children she is divorcing their father Eduardo. The shock waves from this familial upheaval prompt Roxanna, Mauricio and Jesse, each in their own way, to re-evaluate the past and rethink the future. But when the Rodriguezes learn that one of their own is facing a true crisis, they instinctively pull together: Old resentments are forgotten, familial bonds are re-affirmed and the healing power of laughter works its magic as the family discovers they are much stronger than they ever realized.

TV-PG

2:30 AM

One for the Money (DVS)

A proud, born-and-bred Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum's got plenty of attitude, even if she's been out of work for the last six months and just lost her car to a debt collector. Desperate for some fast cash, Stephanie turns to her last resort: convincing her sleazy cousin to give her a job at his bail bonding company as a recovery agent. True, she doesn't even own a pair of handcuffs and her weapon of choice is pepper spray, but that doesn't stop Stephanie from taking on Vinny's biggest bail-jumper: former vice cop and murder suspect Joe Morelli -- yup, the same sexy, irresistible Joe Morelli who seduced and dumped her back in high school. Nabbing Morelli would be a satisfying payback -- and a hefty payday -- but as Stephanie learns the ins and outs of becoming a recovery agent from Ranger, a hunky colleague who is the best in the business, she also realizes the case against Morelli isn't airtight. Add to the mix her meddling family, a potentially homicidal boxer, witnesses who keep dying and the problem of all those flying sparks when she finds Morelli himself. Suddenly Stephanie's new job isn't nearly as easy as she thought.

TV-14

4:30 AM

Requiem for a Chevyweight (1)

Married with Children

Al struggles to find a part for his ailing car.

TV-PG

5 AM

Alley of the Dolls

Married with Children

When Peggy's old high school rival challenges her to a family bowl-off, Peggy is determined to win - with the help of an "adopted" Bundy, ringer Steve Rhoades.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

The Razor's Edge

Married with Children

When Steve returns from a river rafting trip, Marcy refuses to let him back into the house until he shaves his newly-grown beard, and he's forced to seek refuge with the Bundys.

TV-PG

6 AM

Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Full House

Michelle and Jesse are almost arrested on Christmas Eve when a Scrooge-like merchant (MICKEY ROONEY) refuses to exchange a gift that Michelle bought for her dad.

TV-G

6:30 AM

Ghost Story

Rules of Engagement

TV-PG

7 AM

How Do You Spell Revenge?

Married with Children

Al is too busy scheming to get Peggy thrown off their neighbor-hood baseball team to notice that Kelly is about to be tattooed with the name of her latest boyfriend.

TV-PG

7:30 AM

Earth Angel

Married with Children

When Bud brings a beautiful, homeless young woman to stay with the Bundys, Al and the rest of the neighborhood guys begin acting like sex-crazed teenagers.

TV-PG

8 AM

Jealous Robert (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Debra and Marie set up Robert's ex-girlfriend, hoping to stoke jealousy.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

Definitely, Maybe (DVS)

A 30-something Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter Maya starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the ins and outs of big city politics and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it's definitely never too late to go back -- and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.

TV-14

11 AM

AFHV #2003

America's Funniest Home Videos

Highlights include clips of daredevils doing stunts that go wrong, a mom discovering that her kids have painted themselves and the bathroom, and a clip package of people waking each other up in hilarious ways.

TV-G

12 PM

Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance

The Cleveland Show

Cleveland asks Roberta to accompany him to a daddy/daughter dance at school, but his hopes of establishing a bond are torpedoed after he accidentally runs over the family's dog.

TV-14

12:30 PM

The One About Friends

The Cleveland Show

Cleveland tries to pair up Cleveland Jr. with Lester's son, Ernie, but things backfire when Child Services puts Ernie in a foster home; Tim and Holt take a trip to Las Vegas.

TV-14

1 PM

Stan's Food Restaurant

American Dad

Roger offers to help Stan live out his dream of opening a restaurant until their different visions for what the eatery should be causes havoc.

TV-14

1:30 PM

White Rice

American Dad

After an argument between Stan and Francine breaks out, Stan suggests they go see a counselor, who hypnotizes Francine and reawakens her lifelong dream of being a comedian. Meanwhile, back in Langley Falls, Steve brings home a potential love interest for Klaus.

TV-14

2 PM

There Will Be Bad Blood

American Dad

The Smiths prepare for the arrival of Stan's half-brother's family for Thanksgiving.

TV-14

2:30 PM

The People Vs. Martin Sugar

American Dad

Stan serves as jury foreman for the trial of one of Roger's personae, and he is hell-bent on making sure the jury finds him guilty.

TV-14

3 PM

Buggie Nights

The King of Queens

When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.

TV-PG

3:30 PM

Sold-Y Locks

The King of Queens

Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.

TV-PG

4 PM

The One Without The Ski Trip (SAP)

Friends

Ross and Rachel remain apart while their friends feel forced to choose between them.

TV-PG

4:30 PM

The One With The Hypnosis Tape (SAP)

Friends

Phoebe is distraught when her brother wants to marry a woman twice his age. While working as a waitress, Monica gets a tip from an admirer worth a small fortune. A hypnosis tape makes Chandler act like a woman.

TV-PG

5 PM

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt (SAP)

Friends

Ross is upset when Rachel returns his personal belongings and dates Mark. Monica dates a millionaire.

TV-PG

5:30 PM

The One With Joey's Big Break (SAP)

Friends

Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.

TV-PG

6 PM

The Phone Message

Seinfeld

George regrets a nasty message he put on a date's answering machine.

TV-PG

6:30 PM

The Apartment

Seinfeld

Jerry regrets encouraging Elaine to move into his building.

TV-PG

7 PM

The Stranded

Seinfeld

Waiting for a ride, Jerry and Elaine keep a party's host up late.

TV-PG

7:30 PM

The Statue

Seinfeld

Jerry thinks a friend stole his statue, but doesn't know how to get it back.

TV-PG

8 PM

Quagmire's Baby (DVS)

Family Guy

Peter's ham radio communicates with the ghost of Ronald Regan; Quagmire discovers he fathered a baby girl; Stewie has himself cloned.

TV-14

8:30 PM

Jerome is the New Black (DVS)

Family Guy

Peter and the guys interview potential friends to fill the vacancy left by Cleveland. Meanwhile, Brian discovers that Quagmire hates him.

TV-14

9 PM

Familyland

American Dad

The Smith family goes to Familyland theme park for vacation. Francine wants the family to spend the day together, but the individual members go their separate ways. Francine cries in front of a statue of the park's founder, Roy Family, and awakens Roy from a deep slumber.

TV-14

9:30 PM

Cock of the Sleepwalk

American Dad

Stan celebrates his one hundredth kill for the C.I.A and says his success as an assassin comes from him not having a conscience. The night of the celebration Stan sleepwalks and performs good deeds for his family. Upon waking up, Stan is shocked to learn that his conscience is taking control of his body.

TV-14

10 PM

The Bakersfield Expedition (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Leonard's car is stolen when the guys take a road trip to a comic book convention in Bakersfield, dressed as Star Trek characters.

TV-PG

10:30 PM

The Cooper-Kripke Inversion (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Outraged that he's being forced to work with his university nemesis, Barry Kripke (guest star JOHN ROSS BOWIE), Sheldon faces a crisis of conscience.

TV-14

11 PM

Oct. 2, 2014

Conan

Guests: Martin Short, Camilla Luddington, Ryan Adams

TV-14

Tuesday, Dec 23
12 AM

All the Wrong Reasons (SAP)

Cougar Town

TV-PG

12:30 AM

Oct. 2, 2014

Conan

Guests: Martin Short, Camilla Luddington, Ryan Adams

TV-14

1:30 AM

When A Kid Goes Bad (SAP)

Cougar Town

TV-PG

2 AM

Definitely, Maybe (DVS)

A 30-something Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter Maya starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the ins and outs of big city politics and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it's definitely never too late to go back -- and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.

TV-14

4:30 AM

You Better Watch Out

Married with Children

TV-PG

5 AM

Guys and Dolls

Married with Children

When Al and Steve become obsessed with collecting baseball cards, Peggy and Marcy dig out their old Barbie dolls and re-live their childhood fantasies.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

Build a Better Mousetrap

Married with Children

Al and Steve stare danger in the face when they decide to exterminate a pesky field mouse without the aid of professional help.

TV-PG

6 AM

Our Very First Christmas Show

Full House

The Tanners are dreaming of a white Christmas in Colorado, but their mood turns sad when they are snowed in at an airport en route.

TV-G

6:30 AM

The Four Pillars

Rules of Engagement

TV-PG

7 AM

Master the Possibilities

Married with Children

When Buck, the Bundy family pooch, mistakenly receives a credit card in his name, Al and Peg decide to sample "the good life" and embark on a wild spending spree.

TV-PG

7:30 AM

Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Married with Children

All Peggy wants for Valentine's Day is to hear unromantic Al utter those three little words - I love you.

TV-PG

8 AM

Frank Goes Downstairs (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray and Debra lie to Frank about the source of injuries they incurred during romance.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

It's Supposed To Be Fun (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray has trouble accepting that his son is a terrible athlete.

TV-PG

9 AM

17 Again (DVS)

At 17 Mike O'Donell was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoo-in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, his girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. When he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy -- his old high school. While looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks Mike if he wishes he could be 17 again, and he says yes. One night while driving, Mike sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.

TV-14

11 AM

AFHV #2004

America's Funniest Home Videos

Highlights include a man who pulls a prank on his girlfriend with a fake proposal -- but who really proposes in the end -- practical jokes and videos of people sleeping in funny ways. This week's state spotlight is on Kentucky, with a clip package of videos submitted from viewers in the Bluegrass State.

TV-G

12 PM

Birth of a Salesman

The Cleveland Show

Tim helps Cleveland find a position at the cable television company where he works, only to grow jealous when Cleveland excels at his job.

TV-14

12:30 PM

Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb

The Cleveland Show

In an attempt to keep Roberta from having sex with Federline Jones, Cleveland takes the family to chuch...where Cleveland Jr. pledges to maintain his virginity.

TV-14

1 PM

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

American Dad

Stan gives Steve a gun for Christmas, even though Francine warns him that Steve is too young. As usual, Stan ignores her, and when Steve accidentally shoots Santa, he sends the North Pole into a tizzy and jeopardizes Christmas.

TV-14

1:30 PM

Fartbreak Hotel

American Dad

When Roger releases lethal gas into the Smith residence, the family moves into a hotel while the fumes clear. Francine finds herself with a lot of free time on her hands, and she soon finds herself working in the construction business.

TV-14

2 PM

Stanny-Boy and Frantastic

American Dad

On the hunt for new friends, Stan and Francine hit it off with a younger married couple, Tom and Cami.

TV-14

2:30 PM

Dog Gone (DVS)

Family Guy

Brian accidentally kills a dog; the Griffins hire a housekeeper.

TV-14

3 PM

Emotional Rollercoaster

The King of Queens

Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.

TV-PG

3:30 PM

Four Play

The King of Queens

Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.

TV-PG

4 PM

The One With The Dollhouse (SAP)

Friends

Joey thinks he's found his true love. Rachel's boss (ALISON LaPLACA) dates Chandler, creating big trouble for Rachel. Monica inherits a dollhouse.

TV-14

4:30 PM

The One With The Chick And The Duck (SAP)

Friends

When Pete buys a restaurant, Monica must make a difficult decision. Ross makes a sacrifice for Rachel. Joey buys Chandler an unusual pet.

TV-PG

5 PM

The One With The Screamer (SAP)

Friends

Ross tries to convince Rachel that her date (BEN STILLER) is psychotic. Joey's play gets terrible reviews.

TV-PG

5:30 PM

The One With Ross' Thing (SAP)

Friends

Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks. Phoebe can't choose between two guys. Monica's boyfriend surprises her.

TV-PG

6 PM

The Heart Attack

Seinfeld

George thinks he's having a heart attack.

TV-PG

6:30 PM

The Revenge

Seinfeld

George seeks revenge on his ex-boss for not rehiring him.

TV-PG

7 PM

The Deal

Seinfeld

Jerry and Elaine mull intimacy but without commitment.

TV-PG

7:30 PM

The Strike

Seinfeld

George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.

TV-PG

8 PM

The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

When Sheldon and Leonard fight, it affects Penny and Amy's living arrangements. Meanwhile, Raj takes care of Mrs. Wolowitz while Howard is away.

TV-14

8:30 PM

The Tangible Affection Proof (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon struggles to find a Valentine's gift for Amy.

TV-14

9 PM

The Monster Isolation (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Raj vows never to leave his apartment after a horrible date.

TV-PG

9:30 PM

The Contractual Obligation Implementation (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Leonard, Sheldon and Howard try to advance the cause of women in science by speaking with junior high girls about their future careers, while Raj plans his date with Lucy.

TV-PG

10 PM

Space Invader

Ground Floor

When Brody gets his first ground floor paycheck he gets the sticker shock of his life. In an effort to downsize, he gives up his apartment and crashes with Jenny. But when crashing feels a lot like living together, Jenny freaks out. Normally Brody would turn to Mansfield for advice, but his boss has made it clear that this time he is on his own. Harvard and Derrick bet they know how to stretch their modest ground floor pay further than Brody.

TV-14

10:30 PM

The Closet Reconfiguration (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

To open or not to open When Howard finds a letter from his father, he's forced to confront his past. And Leonard and Penny throw a "grown-up" cocktail party at the apartment.

TV-PG

11 PM

Oct. 15, 2014

Conan

Guests: Chelsea Handler, Nicholas Hoult, GERARD WAY

TV-14

Wednesday, Dec 24
12 AM

Space Invader

Ground Floor

When Brody gets his first ground floor paycheck he gets the sticker shock of his life. In an effort to downsize, he gives up his apartment and crashes with Jenny. But when crashing feels a lot like living together, Jenny freaks out. Normally Brody would turn to Mansfield for advice, but his boss has made it clear that this time he is on his own. Harvard and Derrick bet they know how to stretch their modest ground floor pay further than Brody.

TV-14

12:30 AM

Oct. 15, 2014

Conan

Guests: Chelsea Handler, Nicholas Hoult, GERARD WAY

TV-14

1:30 AM

What Are You Doin' In My Life? (SAP)

Cougar Town

TV-PG

2 AM

17 Again (DVS)

At 17 Mike O'Donell was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoo-in for a college scholarship. But on what's supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, his girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she's pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. When he loses his job, he returns to the only place he's happy -- his old high school. While looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks Mike if he wishes he could be 17 again, and he says yes. One night while driving, Mike sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned's house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.

TV-14

4 AM

The Great Escape

Married with Children

When the Bundy family spends the night in Al's shoe store while their house is being exterminated, Kelly is forced to be especially creative in slipping out for the night.

TV-PG

4:30 AM

Impo-Dent

Married with Children

When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.

TV-PG

5 AM

Just Married. . .with Children

Married with Children

Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

Father Lode

Married with Children

Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.

TV-PG

6 AM

A Very Tanner Christmas

Full House

Rebecca is nostalgic for a Midwestern Christmas; Danny longs for his absentee girlfriend, Vicky; and D.J. is melancholy after arguing with Steve. All three resolve their problems in the Christmas spirit.

TV-G

6:30 AM

3rd Wheel

Rules of Engagement

TV-PG

7 AM

All in the Family

Married with Children

Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.

TV-PG

7:30 AM

The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece)

Married with Children

Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.

TV-PG

8 AM

Older Women (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Debra's father brings an older woman to Thanksgiving dinner.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

It's Complicated (DVS)

Jane is the mother of three grown kids, owns a thriving Santa Barbara bakery/restaurant and has -- after a decade of divorce -- an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, attorney Jake. But when Jane and Jake find themselves out of town for their son's college graduation, things start to get complicated. An innocent meal together turns into the unimaginable -- an affair. With Jake remarried to the much younger Agness, Jane is now, of all things, the other woman. Caught in the middle of their renewed romance is Adam, an architect hired to remodel Jane's kitchen. Healing from a divorce of his own, Adam starts to fall for Jane, but soon realizes he's become part of a love triangle. Should Jane and Jake move on with their lives, or is love truly lovelier the second time around? It's -- complicated.

TV-14

11 AM

AFHV #2005

America's Funniest Home Videos

This episode highlights pint-size pooches, talking animals, and a salute to the lone star state.

TV-G

12 PM

Ladies' Night

The Cleveland Show

Tired of attending social gatherings with neighbors, Donna sneaks off and, pretending she's still unmarried, spends time with her friends at a single mothers group; Rallo helps Junior run for student council president.

TV-14

12:30 PM

A Brown Thanksgiving

The Cleveland Show

While celebrating Thanksgiving with his parents and family, Cleveland discovers that Donna's Auntie Momma is transgendered; Roberta and Federline end up at a homeless mission after Federline's car is stolen.

TV-14

1 PM

A Pinata Named Desire

American Dad

Stan takes an acting class taught by Roger after he blows an undercover assignment. Stan then uses his newfound acting skills to steal a part in a local play from Roger. Roger, down but not out, takes out the play's female lead and gets her part. Now it's opening night and Stan and Roger take to the stage to see who is the better actor. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends plan a sleepover.

TV-14

1:30 PM

You Debt Your Life

American Dad

Roger moves out of the house when he finds out that Stan only let him live there because Roger had saved his life years ago at Area 51. Francine gets Roger to come back home, only to find that Stan has rented out Roger's attic to a new tenant - Andy Dick. Now Roger must find a way to convince Stan to take him back and get rid of Andy Dick. Meanwhile, Steve gets asked to read the daily announcements at school.

TV-14

2 PM

Business Guy (DVS)

Family Guy

When Mr. Pewterschmidt has a heart attack, Peter takes over his business.

TV-14

2:30 PM

Big Man on Hippocampus (SAP)

Family Guy

Peter develops amnesia while appearing on the game show "Family Feud;" Lois goes on a date with Quagmire after Peter returns home with another woman.

TV-14

3 PM

Baker's Doesn't

The King of Queens

Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.

TV-PG

3:30 PM

Better Camera

The King of Queens

Doug surprises Carrie with a new camera for Christmas.

TV-PG

4 PM

The One Where Rachel Quits (SAP)

Friends

Rachel wonders if she'll ever get another job after she quits Central Perk. Joey's new job selling Christmas trees upsets Phoebe. Ross breaks a little girl's leg. Comedian SHELLEY BERMAN guest stars.

TV-PG

4:30 PM

The One With The Routine (SAP)

Friends

Joey plots the perfect opportunity to kiss Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON). Ross and Monica resurrect their dorky high school dance routine for a television special.

TV-PG

5 PM

The One With The Holiday Armadillo (SAP)

Friends

Ross teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) about Chanukah. Phoebe worries that Rachel prefers living with Joey .

TV-PG

5:30 PM

The One With The Monkey (SAP)

Friends

The friends promise to celebrate New Year's Eve without dates, but soon all their plans change. Ross gets a pet monkey.

TV-PG

6 PM

The Note

Seinfeld

Jerry tries to help a dentist friend accused of insurance fraud.

TV-PG

6:30 PM

The Truth

Seinfeld

A woman (Valerie Mahaffey) wants to know why George doesn't want to see her.

TV-PG

7 PM

The Dog

Seinfeld

Jerry gets stuck sitting for an unruly dog.

TV-PG

7:30 PM

The Library

Seinfeld

The library asks Jerry about a book overdue since 1971.

TV-PG

8 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

10 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

Thursday, Dec 25
12 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

2 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

4 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

6 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

8 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

10 AM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

12 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

2 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

4 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

6 PM

A Christmas Story (DVS)

In the 1940s, in the town of Hammond, 9-year-old Ralphie wants one thing for Christmas -- an official Red Ryder BB rifle. When he asks his mother for the BB gun for Christmas, she says, "No, you'll shoot your eye out." When he writes an essay about it at school, his teacher gives him a C+ with a note saying, "You'll shoot your eye out." Next he asks Santa for the gun. Santa's response is familiar; he says, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Ralph fears that he'll never get the BB gun for Christmas. But there might be a surprise in store for him.

TV-PG

8 PM

Dial Meg for Murder (DVS)

Family Guy

Peter participates in a rodeo; Meg dates a prison escapee.

TV-14

8:30 PM

Extra-Large Medium (DVS)

Family Guy

Peter believes he possesses psychic powers; Chris falls for a classmate with Down's Syndrome.

TV-14

9 PM

The Tenure Turbulence (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Leonard, Sheldon and Raj fight for tenure at the University.

TV-14

9:30 PM

The Closure Alternative (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

After one of his favorite TV shows gets canceled too soon, Sheldon feels lost, so Amy tries to help him get over his compulsive need for closure by retraining his brain.

TV-PG

10 PM

The Proton Resurgence (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Leonard and Sheldon hire Professor Proton (guest star BOB NEWHART), the host of their favorite childhood TV show to perform. Raj leaves his dog with Howard and Bernadette.

TV-PG

10:30 PM

The Love Spell Potential (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

When the girls' trip to Vegas falls through, the guys invite them to a Dungeons & Dragons date night that causes Sheldon and Amy's relationship to take an unexpected turn.

TV-PG

11 PM

Oct. 21, 2014

Conan

Guests: Dana Carvey, Cristin Milioti, Gary Gulman

TV-14

Friday, Dec 26
12 AM

Counting On You (SAP)

Cougar Town

TV-PG

12:30 AM

Oct. 21, 2014

Conan

Guests: Dana Carvey, Cristin Milioti, Gary Gulman

TV-14

1:30 AM

Turn This Car Around (SAP)

Cougar Town

TV-PG

2 AM

Surviving Christmas (DVS)

Facing another Christmas alone, Drew Latham decides to go back to his idyllic childhood home to spend the holidays with family. There is, however, one problem: the people living there now are not Drew's family. Nevertheless, Drew has his mind set on an old-fashioned family Christmas, and the fact that the "family" in question, the Valcos, are complete strangers, isn't about to put a crimp in his plans. Offering them a small fortune, Drew bribes his newfound "parents" to let him spend Christmas in their home, pretending to be part of the family. Just when the Valcos begin to question if any amount of money is worth being dragged all over town on such traditional family holiday excursions as Christmas shopping and the requisite choosing of the Christmas tree, their eldest daughter Alicia comes home for the holidays, with no intention of adopting a new "brother."

TV-14

4 AM

He Thought He Could

Married with Children

When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.

TV-PG

4:30 AM

I'm Going to Sweatland

Married with Children

Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.

TV-PG

5 AM

Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)

Married with Children

While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.

TV-PG

5:30 AM

A Dump of My Own

Married with Children

Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.

TV-PG

6 AM

Indian Giver

Rules of Engagement

TV-PG

6:30 AM

Free Free Time

Rules of Engagement

TV-PG

7 AM

Her Cups Runneth Over

Married with Children

Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.

TV-PG

7:30 AM

The Bald and the Beautiful

Married with Children

When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.

TV-PG

8 AM

Raybert (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Robert dates a woman who thinks he is Raymond.

TV-PG

8:30 AM

The Kicker (SAP)

Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank catches a record-setting football at a college game and refuses to return it to the kicker.

TV-PG

9 AM

Never Been Kissed

A copy editor in her early 20s gets her chance to become a reporter at a Chicago daily. Her first assignment consists of a feature on what cool high school students are doing. To uncover the life of the hip high schoolers, she must go undercover as a student herself. Meanwhile, her slacker brother decides to go back to the same high school in hopes of getting a second chance at being noticed by major-league baseball scouts.

TV-14

11 AM

AFHV #2006

America's Funniest Home Videos

In this episode, squirrel vs. deer, exercise mishaps, and babies having funny reactions to food.

TV-G

12 PM

From Bed to Worse

The Cleveland Show

After tiring of Cleveland's presence at the house, Rallo decides to drive a wedge between Cleveland and Donna by sleeping in their bed.

TV-14

12:30 PM

A Cleveland Brown Christmas

The Cleveland Show

Cleveland discovers that Donna has been lying to Rallo as to why Robert never shows up for Christmas...and makes it his mission to reconnect father and son.

TV-14

1 PM

I Am the Walrus

American Dad

Stan resorts to extreme and cruel measures to humiliate Steve and maintain his alpha-male status in the house, and Hayley and Jeff turn to Principal Lewis for marriage counseling.

TV-14

1:30 PM

School Lies

American Dad

TV-14

2 PM

Go, Stewie, Go! (SAP)

Family Guy

Stewie cross-dresses in order to star in the American version of Jolly Farm Review. Meanwhile, Peter makes Lois feel bad about her age.

TV-14

2:30 PM

Peter-assment (DVS)

Family Guy

Peter turns journalist after TMZ buys his amateur video; Peter is sexually-harassed by his boss.

TV-14

3 PM

Hartford Wailer

The King of Queens

Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.

TV-PG

3:30 PM

Acting Out

The King of Queens

Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.

TV-PG

4 PM

The One With The Cuffs (SAP)

Friends

Monica tries to prove her mother wrong. Chandler gets into an embarrassing situation while dating Rachel's boss.

TV-14

4:30 PM

The One With The Ballroom Dancing (SAP)

Friends

Joey makes an odd deal with the building superintendent to prevent him from evicting Rachel and Monica. Phoebe wants to date her sexy massage client.

TV-PG

5 PM

The One With Joey's New Girlfriend (SAP)

Friends

Joey thinks that Chandler hates Joey's new girlfriend--but the truth could be even more upsetting. Ross and Rachel try to make each other jealous.

TV-14

5:30 PM

The One With The Dirty Girl (SAP)

Friends

Ross' beautiful new girlfriend has a disgusting secret. Chandler becomes more familiar with Joey's girlfriend.

TV-PG

6 PM

The Nose Job

Seinfeld

Jerry reconsiders dating a vacuous actress (Tawny Kitaen); George dates a woman with a big nose.

TV-PG

6:30 PM

The Alternate Side

Seinfeld

Elaine dumps a 66-year-old, who then has a heart attack.

TV-PG

7 PM

The Suicide

Seinfeld

Jerry fears his girlfriend's comatose ex-boyfriend will awaken; guest Wayne Knight.

TV-PG

7:30 PM

The Subway

Seinfeld

The friends encounter adventure on the subway.

TV-PG

8 PM

The Bon Voyage Reaction (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

On the sixth season finale, Sheldon and Penny are thrown for a loop when Leonard is offered an exciting new job opportunity overseas.

TV-PG

8:30 PM

The Hofstadter Insufficiency (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

In the Season 7 premiere, Leonard is away at sea, so Sheldon & Penny spend some time together and spill some revealing secrets. Meanwhile, Howard comes to Raj's aid after his breakup with his girlfriend.

TV-PG

9 PM

The Deception Verification (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Leonard returns from the North Sea expedition and finds things chilly between him and Sheldon, while Howard's relationship with his mother opens the door to questions about his masculinity.

TV-14

9:30 PM

The Scavenger Vortex (DVS)

The Big Bang Theory

Raj puts together a scavenger hunt that turns into serious, cutthroat competition among the gang.

TV-PG

10 PM

The Dark Knight (DVS)

With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.

TV-14