sunday at 7am/6c
Hurting himself isn't the only thing that's funny about Tim the Tool Man Taylor. He also has some hilarious lines. Granted, it's usually while he's hurting himself, but it's still funny. Did we miss one of your favorite quotes? Let us know by posting it on our Home Improvement message boards, and we'll add it to the list!

"Barry Sanders just broke around the end for 50 yards, it's 1st and goal from the 1! We're gonna score!, Happy anniversary Honey!"
- Tim in Off Sides

"It's got 3 speeds: slow, medium, and who needs a man."
- Tim, about the hot tub in Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble

"I need help. I'm thinkin of checkin into the Henry Ford clinic."
- Tim in Whose Car Is It Anyway?

"We are enlightened men, and enlightened men help with the housework."
"What's enlightened?"
"It means scared of Mom."
- Tim, Mark, and Randy in Look Who's Not Talking

"Tim, you embarrassed me today."
"That's no big deal, I always embarrass you."
- Al and Tim in A Battle Of Wheels

"Just go back to your tools and shut-up."
- Jill in A Battle Of Wheels

"The only reason I married you is because you're so sensitive."
"Now what's THAT supposed to mean?"
- Jill and Tim in Al's Fair In Love And War

"Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days."
- Tim in Stereo-Typical

"I don't want to be a nagging wife."
"Then how will I recognize you?"
- Jill and Tim in Stereo-Typical

"The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had."
"They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?"
- Jill and Tim in The Haunting Of Taylor House

"Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships."
"Well, they talk about sex."
"So, that has nothing to do with relationships. . . Except in ours."
"Until now. "
- Tim and Jill in Let's Did Lunch

"Me and Randy are going to the basement to get some old toys for the shelter. We'll take them down in this trash bag."
"Why, that is a wonderful idea! Just take anything you don't play with anymore."
"Okay. Mark, hop in."
- Brand and Jill in I'm Scheming Of A White Christmas

"I think of everything in this house as ours."
"What about the tools?"
"The tools are ours, I just don't want you touching them."
- Tim and Jill in Howard's End

"This is junior high, you have to work a lot harder to impress the girls."
"So sticking straws up your nose doesn't work anymore?"
- Brad and Randy in This Joke's For You

"There was one time I really got him steamed up, though. I was nine. He finally let me play with his butane torch."
"Well, what happened?" "I got to ride in a firetruck. And we got a new garage."
- Tim and Randy in This Joke's For You

"Brace yourself Tim, something awful has happened."
"What, you saw your mom in the shower?"
- Al and Tim in Arrivederci, Binford

"Dad, I don't need to go to the emergency room."
"That's what I usually tell Al."
"Well, how does he get you to go?" "I don't know. I'm usually passed out by then."
- Randy and Tim in Slip Sleddin' Away

"Tim is at his most romantic during the Dollar Days sale at Sears. All I have to do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalogue."
- Jill in Reel Men

"I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo."
- Tim in It Was The Best Of Tims, It Was The Worst Of Tims

"You know, ever since you went back to school, you've hardly cooked anything."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's been really hectic."
"Hey, I wasn't complaining."
- Randy and Jill in null

"Something wrong?"
"Yeah. You know how I used to be so cool in junior high?"
"No."
- Mark and Brad in Advise And Repent

"You are completely unwilling to compromise."
"I don't even know the meaning of the word compromise."
"You don't know the meaning of a lot of words."
"And don't you forget it."
- Jill and Tim in The Look

"I'm picturing what it's like every time you renovate. There's a big hole in the wall and two paramedics."
"First of all, I'll make no holes in the wall, and you know what? It might be kinda cool to see Dave and Biff again."
- Jill and Tim in Room Without A View

"How was your first day at high school?"
"Fine, except for the guy who asked if I wanted a phone book to sit on."
"Did you tell the teacher?"
"It was the teacher."
- Jill and Randy in High School Confidential

"Kids turn into their parents, I don't know what it is. One day you're going to turn into me."
"Boy, I'm gonna need a lot of medical insurance."
- Tim and Brad in Engine And A Haircut, Two Fights

"I need help. I'm thinkin of checkin into the Henry Ford clinic."
- Tim in Whose Car Is It Anyway?

"Al! Heidi went into labor!"
"She joined a union?"
- Tim and Al in The Tool Man Delivers

"There are only two words in the kitchen for a real man. 'Can' and 'opener.'"
- Tim in Wilson's World

"This is not a party for kids."
"Ooh, what are you going to do, sit around and tell dirty jokes?"
"Waste of time, Al wouldn't get any of them."
- Tim and Randy in Something Old, Someone Blue

"Tim, you growing a beard?"
"What do you think?"
"Well, I'm not sure. I could never understand why a man would want to hide his face."
- Wilson and Tim in Room At The Top

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