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Yes, Dear Quotes
Married life shouldn't be this hard. And it's rarely this funny. Check out some quotes from your two favorite young couples.
Tell us what your favorite quotes are on The Yes, Dear Message Board, and we'll add them to the list!


very funny quotes from Yes, Dear:

You are emo! That's right, this whole damn place is emo!
- Greg in Pilot

"I'm just saying, when I see two sisters who I know love each other fight like this, it makes me sad."
"Uh oh. I think I better change Sammy. Oh, no, he's fine. Funny. Thought I smelled a load of crap."
- Greg and Kim in Look Who's Not Talking

"Christine, you can't keep avoiding them, okay? We live in their guest house. Why don't you just go inside and talk to her?" "Why don't you just get a job so we can find our own place?" Jimmy: I can't talk to you when you're like this
- Jimmy and Christine in Look Who's Not Talking

"How do you know hookers?"
"I saw Pretty Woman!"
- Greg and Kim in Kiss and Yell

Wow, one day in the gym and you're already looking buff. What, is this like the world's thickest sweatshirt? Greg: Yeah, the gym's cold.
- Christine and Greg in Christine's Journey

"So I took the kids to the park for 2 long hours while you took a nap? Now I have to cook dinner so you can have sex?"
"Would you mind?"
"Fine. Then you have to take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's alone next week.
looks at a smiling Greg
"Nah, you'll still be around."
- Christine and Kim in Guarding Greg

"How much does he weigh?"
"About 45. I put him on the scale in the farmer's market."
"45!?"
"Don't worry, he had a full diaper."
- Greg and Jimmy in Baby Fight Club

"How are you going to deal with it when a grandparent dies? Buy him another grandma and a nice, big bag of Skittles?"
- Kim in One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Blue Fish

"You threw the microwave at me."
"Yeah, well you probably had it coming."
"I asked you how your day was."
"Well, then you knew."
- Jimmy and Christine in Greg's Promotion

"Christine, I gave the kids a bath and did a load of laundry. I don't know about you, but I consider that foreplay."
- Jimmy in The Ring

"So I don't have ADD?"
"No."
"ADPD? Dyslexia? Ants in my pants?"
"No, there's nothing wrong with you. Congratulations."
"I canít believe it the first test I ever aced is the one that proves I'm an idiot."
- Jimmy and his doctor in Jimmy's Dumb

"Christine, I just never thought you would join any group after what happened with the Girl Scouts."
"Oh, sure. You know, they all had a big problem with me smoking. But you know what? When it came time to light that campfire, everybody was all, 'Oh, where's Christine, where's Christine?'"
- Kim and Christine in Sorority Girl

"Kim, it's not like I haven't helped him, okay. I gave him a place to live. I helped feed him. I helped get him that job at the studio. That's all I ever do is give. I give, I give, I give. When homeless people approach me on the street, I say, 'I'm sorry, but I've already given it to Jimmy.' And they usually know who I'm talking about."
- Greg in Spare Parts

"Hey, how'd it go?"
"Oh, fantastic. It's the greatest invention ever."
"What, speed dating?"
"No, a little bell that makes women stop talking."
- Christine and Jimmy in Speed Dating

"Hey, where's Dominic?"
"He's in there watching TV with Ronnie. They got picked on at school today for putting on a show during recess."
"See? I knew it. See, Christine? This is why I wanted them to play baseball. It's America's favorite pastime. You know what America's second favorite pastime is? Beating up kids who sing showtunes at recess."
- Jimmy and Christine in Dominic's Buddy

"Now usually the first thing I do is I sit at my computer."
"Cool. Do you have any games?"
"Ho-ho, Dominic. I wish I had time for games, but I happen to have a very demanding job. In fact, look at that. It's not even 9 o'clock, I've got, like, 20 emails."
"What's 'Online Viagra?'"
- Greg and Dominic in Legoland

"Jimmy, you were going to leave me home alone with four kids. I got the babysitter for me, not for you."
"Yeah, the kids were a little wild when we left. You think the babysitter will be okay?"
"Oh, she'll be fine. She's getting eight bucks an hour... and a very valuable lesson on why not to have premarital sex."
- Christine and Jimmy in Dead Aunt, Dead Aunt

"Jimmy, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Oh, of course you can. Hey, Dr. Phil was just talking about how a healthy marriage is built on keeping the lines of communication open, honest and sincere... Whoa, I think he hypnotized me."
- Christine and Jimmy in Headshot

"I can't wait to introduce you to all my old friends."
"Why, so I can get a 'how the hell did a guy like you get a girl like her' look?"
- Kim and Greg in High School Reunion

"Did you check on the kids?"
"Yep. The second movie was ending, so I put in a third. For the next 2 hours, they're in the warm, capable paws of Air Bud."
"Hey, remember when you first had kids and you said you'd never let 'em watch TV?"
"I used to shave my legs more than once a month, too. Here's to giving up."
- Christine and Kim in Won't Ask, Won't Tell

"I think Greg's ordering pay-per-view on our television."
"What makes you think it was Greg?"
"Clay Aiken: Live in Concert."
- Jimmy and Christine in Greg's a Mooch

"Everytime I let you do something, you always try to get more."
"That's not true!"
"Oh, yeah? Then how did a back rub turn into a second kid? "
- Christine and Jimmy in Jimmy from the Block

"Greg, the vacation has already started. For example, I just went to the bathroom and it wasn't to hide from my kids and cry."
- Christine in Jimmy Sponsors a Vacation

"I had given up on me and my wife having any kind of equal partnership at home, but thanks to your scheming and manipulation, you have completely restored my faith in marriage."
"That is so beautiful!"
- Greg and Christine in Should I bring a Jacket?

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