With radio personalities like Bill McNeal and Catherine Duke, News Radio doesn't need much to make people laugh. Of course with lines like the ones below, anybody could cause a chuckle.

Do you have a favorite quote from the show? We'd love to hear it. Let us know on our News Radio message boards!


very funny quotes from News Radio:

"Boy do I love good parties. Do you love a good party, Joe?"
"That's why I went to college sir. That's also why I didn't graduate."
"Yeah me neither, so what"
- Mr. James and Joe in Inappropriate

"Guys, I'm throwing a little surprise birthday party for Catherine at the 12:46 commercial break. We're back on the air at 12:48 which gives us two minutes for cake, punch, small talk. That kind of thing. I suggest if you're interested you RSVP now."
- Bill in Inappropriate

"No desk, no dinner, land of opportunity my ass."
- Bill in The Crisis

"This idea is both fair and democratic."
"Yes, it is."
"And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism. It penalizes the person who deserves the bonus and speaking as that person, I cannot support it. "
- Bill and Dave in Big Day

"What happened?"
"I kissed Bill."
"On purpose?"
- Matthew and Beth in Lunch at The Waldorf

"Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man."
- Bill in Lunch at The Waldorf

"Well I just think it's disgusting the way [Bill's] hitting on [Beth] that's all."
"Oh come on Lisa. They're just going to lunch. You know everybody goes to lunch. You and I go to lunch."
"Yeah, at my apartment and we don't eat."
"True enough, but at least we're staying trim."
- Lisa and Dave in Lunch at The Waldorf

"Does it bother you that I talk to Stuart?"
"No, it doesn't bother me. It's just I've seen tobacco company lawsuits settled more quickly then this interminable security deposit spiel."
- Lisa and Dave in Sweeps Week

"Beth, you lied to us."
"I know and I couldn't have pulled it off as well as I did, if I hadn't had so much good practice from you and I want to thank you for that."
- Lisa and Beth in The Breakup

"I was wrestling with my own personal demons."
"What demons?"
"Sexual addiction."
"Sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as gettin' a lot?"
- Dr. Frank and Dave in The Shrink

"Shredding the instructions for the shredder. Talk about your mind-blowing irony."
- Jimmy in Friends

"Dave, what did you do in high school when you had a pop quiz?"
"Hyperventilated and got a note from the nurse."
- Lisa and Dave in The Cane

"Wait a second, I chipped in $75 to buy the man a dirty shirt in a frame. What's this, some sort of pyramid scheme?"
"Hey is someone starting a pyramid scheme? I'd like to get in on that."
- Bill and Mr. James in XMas Story

During the bitch session Lisa said Dave looked like a teenager.
"I said you looked cute."
"I just keep trying to figure it out in my head. I mean does she really love me or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up on charges of corrupting a minor?"
- Lisa and Dave in Bitch Session

"Boy, I love April fools."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it February 19-th?"
"I know, but if I wait till April I lose the element of surprise."
- Jimmy and Dave in The Song Remains the Same

Lisa has switched clothes with Beth
"Beth, I don't know how you do this every day. I feel naked!"
"I know, isn't it the best?"
- Lisa and Beth in Zoso

"Dave the boss can be mean and unfair sometimes, but Dave the boyfriend is all about love."
"What about Dave the doofus who talks about himself in the third person?"
- Dave and Lisa in Zoso

"Hi."
"Oh hi. What's your name?"
"I really don't like to give that out. Actually it's against office policy."
- Beth and Theo in Houses of the Holy

"So Theo, I hear you're interested in radio."
"Anything would be better than what I'm doing now."
"What are you doing now?"
"depressed I give motivational speeches at corporate events."
- Dave and Theo in Houses of the Holy

A pornographic photo of Catherine is on the Internet as a prank.
"Joe, get this off there!. Get it off there okay!"
"You can't take something off the Internet."
"What?!"
"It's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool. Once it's in there, it's in there."
- Catherine and Joe in Physical Graffiti

Bill is packing his desk
"Bill, I think you're overreacting."
"No, I'm not. I know when I'm not wanted."
"Then why haven't you ever left before?"
- Catherine and Bill in Presence

"The photocopier should be fixed later this afternoon. Apparently someone tried to photocopy a mirror."
- Dave in Presence

"Are you going to need your teddy bear, sir?"
"Beth, please. He has a name."
"Are you going to need Mr. Bubby Wubby Shmoopsy Poops?"
"Maybe later."
- Beth and Jimmy in Coda

"They're all decent persons Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring it is my duty, as a journalist, to make him my bitch."
- Lisa in President

"Let me see if I can make this clear to you. There will be no Dilbert story, alright? So why don't you just put back the rainbows and unicorns that usually cover your desk and get back to work."
- Dave in Review

"Dave, what the hell was she talking about?"
"That was that cartoon strip, "Dilbert"."
"Oh hell, I haven't read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey was never actually going to shoot anybody."
- Jimmy and Dave in Review

"The problem is you look better in my dress than I do."
"What?"
"You do.I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks."
"No. I look like a man in a dress, which worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue."
- Lisa and Dave in Halloween

"I see your destiny as one of... wealth. I see an astounding rise to fortune. And it will begin very soon."
"Is that true?"
"Yes. It is completely true. Because I was pre-approved for a new credit card."
- A Psychic, Matthew and Beth in Halloween

"You don't get it, do you?"
"No. But I've gotten used to that."
- Jimmy and Dave in Trainer

after calling Joe Tony Danza
"Who's the boss now, huh? ...Yeah, who's the boss now?"
- Matthew in Led Zeppelin Boxed Set

"In the immortal words of Van Halen before that dumbass Sammy Hagar joined the group and ruined it: I'm hot for teacher."
- Jimmy in Kids

"Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?"
"Have you ever heard the expression that only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"
- Dave and Bill in Airport

"According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second."
- Dave in The Real Deal

"Dave, Matthew is a reporter. He isn't qualified to change a light bulb."
- Jimmy in The Injury

"These guys, they've done documentaries about all the heavy hitters. Talking about, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne..."
"Sir. Bruce Wayne is Batman."
"Shhh!"
- Jimmy and Dave in The Public Domain

"I have so many lawyers standing in line to see me now, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants."
- Jimmy in French Diplomacy

"Thanks Bill, how'd you know it was my birthday?"
"Beth came around asking everybody to chip in on a cake for the surprise party they're having for you later."
- Dave and Bill in Chock

"Sir, what is your current position?"
"Alright for the last time, I'm up in a balloon!"
- Lisa and Jimmy in Balloon

"I was looking at this story assignment that you gave me. You know, "donuts vs. bagels, which one is rounder"."
"Yeah."
"And it kind of occurred to me that this is the sort of thing we'd never ever put on the air."
"Ooh, I don't know about never ever."
- Matthew and Dave in Flowers for Matthew

"Oh come on. You can't just turn off your evilocity."
"The word is evilness, Dave, and yeah I can."
- Dave and Johnny in The Lam

"Hey, how's that speech comin'?"
"Get lost Max."
"No, listen I have some wonderful advice for the kids."
"What is it? Give up? Life sucks? Get cancer early and often?"
- Max and Dave in Boston

"It's not a freak accident, David. I saw Lisa wearing this sweater a couple weeks ago and I said to myself 'gotta have it'. Good thing I know where she shops."
- Matthew in Stinkbutt

Matthew is standing next to Lisa and they are wearing the same outfi
"Dave, check this out. [Starts singing] Double your pleasure, double your fun."
"Matthew, knock it off."
"Oh come on, Lisa, double your fun!"
- Matthew and Lisa in Stinkbutt

"I once had a line of detergents with a great brand name, Dandy Clean. Everybody trusted it, but that break dancing fad hit and my people made me change it. Y'know, to try to stay hip and everything like that, and the whole thing went bust in less than a year."
"What'd you change the name to?"
"Break Dancing Detergent."
- Jimmy and Lisa in Ploy

"This is just like that movie, Freaky Friday, except you're the mom."
"And you're Jodie Foster."
"Finally."
- Matthew and Jimmy in Freaky Friday