Somehow, in between television and eating, Doug finds time to make us laugh. Of course, jokes come easy when your crazy father-in-law lives in your basement.
Tell us what your favorite quotes are on The King of Queens Message Board, and we'll add them to the list!


very funny quotes from The King of Queens:

"I have two words: I am not moving!"
"That's four words."
"Ok, I have another four words for you then: screw you!"
- Arthur and Carrie in Pilot

"I'm 75 years old, and I still wake up with the little guy saluting."
- Arthur in Pilot

"Honey, could you pass the, um, 'I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Dressing?'"
- Carrie in Fat City

"Oh, sorry. I was just remembering a little girl with pigtails and braces on her teeth telling me 'I made the bestest toast ever!'"
- Arthur in Cello, Goodbye

"So what are you going to do with the money?"
"We're putting this money in the bank for our kids' college. Well, right after we get the hot tub and the satelitte dish, but then, it's going straight to the bank."
- Salesman and Doug in The Rock

"Wanna have day sex?"
"Maybe tonight."
- Doug and Carrie in Road Rayge

"At night, we like to sleep. We're kinda kooky that way!"
- Carrie in Dog Days

"You know, as long as we can`t sleep, you wanna take advantage of this and go to a diner?"
- Doug in Dog Days

"You are my bilgistic pile of love meat! Love, Doug"
- Carrie in Crappy Birthday

"Come down here and play with me, I'm tired of playing with myself."
"Pardon?"
- Arthur and Spence in Hungry Man

"Darling I need to borrow the iron." "Dad, I told you. If ya want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one!"
- Arthur and Carrie in Queasy Rider

"So you're gonna get cancer to prove a point?"
"Sure! I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair. Hey, you know what, maybe we can chip in and get a helper monkey!"
- Doug and Carrie in Queasy Rider

"What's the matter, Douglas, you never looked heavier?"
- Arthur in Business Affairs

"Of course I still love you. I love you no matter what."
"What does that mean, 'no matter what?'"
"Nothing, just that I love you."
"No. 'No matter what' means you love me even though I have some sort of problem, like no job, or no money, or BIGGIE CAN'T FIT THROUGH DOORWAY!"
- Carrie and Doug in Fatty McButterpants

"So, why are you buying me clothes at the Big & Tall store anyway?"
"Well, you know..."
"No...let me break it to you this way Carrie, I'm certainly not tall!"
"You're...tall."
"I'm 5'9."
- Doug and Carrie in Fatty McButterpants

"Ironic, isn't it. The only person Mr. Safety couldn't protect was himself."
- Arthur in Fatty McButterpants

"Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper."
- Doug in Fatty McButterpants

"My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants. "
- Doug in Fatty McButterpants

"I thought ironic meant 'made up entirely of iron.'"
- Arthur in Female Problems

"Why do you need birth control pills? Does he touch you!?!"
- Arthur in Assaulted Nuts

"I think I packed too fast. I have seven shirts, twelve pairs of socks, and no pants or underwear."
- Doug in Get Away

"I'm sorry. I'm not embarrassed by you."
"That's nice coming from a man who's wearing his house as a belt."
- Doug and Carrie in Dire Strayts

"Oh, but I am Basement Artie. I certainly wouldn't wanna lose that moniker!"
- Arthur in Frozen Pop

"You know what I really love about being married to you?"
"Not having to pay for sex?"
- Doug and Carrie in Fair Game

"Can you beleive he's turning 75? We should do something special."
"Chip in for a hooker?"
- Carrie and Doug in Surprise Artie

"You are not dragging my father into this!"
"I am not dragging him in! He knows what he's doing. He happens to be very savvy as well."
"Okay, now I'm convinced you don't know what that word means."
- Carrie and Doug in Soft Touch

"This is me leaning forward with interest."
"Alright, well lean back with interest or have a mint."
- Arthur and Doug in Soft Touch

"Did you know he didn't learn to swim til he was 23?"
"Really? Remind me to send you a picture of me yawning."
- Doug and Carrie in Soft Touch

"Now I feel bad."
"Why?"
"I just yelled at my father and called him a lunatic, that has to be wrong! Oh my god, what if something happens to him and that's the last conversation we ever have?!"
"Then you're off the hook."
- Carrie and Doug in Twisted Sitters

"When he left yesterday, I kissed him and told him I loved him. If he was gonna die that would have been the day! If it happens now I'm screwed!"
- Carrie in Twisted Sitters

"If you shoot Kelly, I'll shoot Carrie."
"Doug, if you shoot me, you're never having sex with me again."
"You can't do that!"
- Doug and Carrie in Paint Misbehavin'

"Tonight's theme is Maui Madness."
"Well, I think you look great, Arthur. I like the way the purple brings out the veins in your legs."
- Arthur and Doug in Papa Pill

"I don't know how that puts naked women on my screen, but God bless you people."
- Doug in Separation Anxiety

"You hired a dog walker to walk my father?!"
- Carrie in Walk, Man

"Hey, listen, since you're gonna be seeing clear from now on, I feel I should warn you... I'm a little overweight."
- Doug in Sight Gag

"You see, it's not about me. It's really about what's best for the company, the team. There is no 'I' in IPS."
- Doug in Mean Streak

"If I was in danger, really, really in danger, would you risk your life to protect me? Would you take a bullet for me?" "Well, we'll just see about that."
- Doug and Carrie in Oxy Moron

"Hey! Guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down."
"Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week?"
"Cause, he was almost my height."
- Doug and Carrie in Oxy Moron

"Now, you just think real, sexy thoughts. All right."
"Okay. Like what?"
"Um, think of Alyssa Milano. Huh? She's hot, plus her last name's a cookie."
- Carrie and Doug in Ovary Action

"I don't want cheese out of pity, I want cheese out of love!"
- Arthur in Ovary Action

"It's spaghetti! I'm eating it, not sleeping with it."
- Doug in Food Fight

"Salsa dancing? That's got 'split my pants' written all over it!"
- Doug in Double Downer

"Hey I'm going to the gym, you sure you don't wanna come?"
"Nah, but you're adorable to keep asking."
- Carrie and Doug in Double Downer