" Striptease" Pasties

These steak and potato pastries are all you need to fill up without filling out. It's hard work keeping such a sexy figure, you know!

You will need:

For the pastry dough:

  • 2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup chilled vegetable shortening
  • 1/2 cup cold butter, cut into small pieces
  • 1/3 cup softened cream cheese
  • 2-6 tablespoons ice water, as needed

For the filling:

  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 pound skirt steak, cut into 1/4" pieces
  • 2 medium russet potatoes, thinly sliced
  • 2 medium onions, diced
  • 2 medium turnips, finely diced
  • 4 tablespoons chopped parsley
  • salt and pepper, to taste
  • 2 apples, peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
  • 4 tablespoons orange marmalade
  • 1 beaten egg
  • 1 good stage name and body make-up as needed


Make the pie crust: 1. In a medium bowl, mix together the flour and salt.

2. Using a pastry blender or two knives, add the shortening and work it into the flour until it resembles coarse cornmeal.

3. Add the butter and continue cutting it in until the bits are no larger than small peas.

4. Add the cream cheese one-tablespoon at a time, mixing with a fork after each addition to moisten the dough evenly. If the dough still feels crumbly, add ice water as needed.

5. Using your hands, gently shape the dough into a disc.

6. Wrap with plastic and refrigerate at least 20 minutes.

7. Roll out the dough into four 8-inch rounds; cover and refrigerate.

Make the filling: 1. Preheat the oven to 400F.

2. Heat a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat until quite hot.

3. Add olive oil and briefly saute skirt steak until nicely browned. Place in a mixing bowl and toss with the potato, onion, turnip, and parsley.

4. Lay out the 4 pastry rounds and pile some of the mixture over the upper-left quarter of each, leaving a 1-inch border from the pastry edge. Place a dollop of butter over the mixture and season with salt and pepper.

5. Layer some apple slices and a tablespoon of marmalade over the upper-right quarter of each round and cut a small piece of excess dough to place between the two fillings.

6. Brush the edges with beaten egg.

7. Fold the lower half of the round over the top and crimp the edges to form a seal.

8. Make 3 slits in the top of each pasty to allow steam to escape while cooking.

9. Brush the tops of each with beaten egg and transfer to a baking sheet.

10. Bake for 45 minutes to an hour; cover with foil if they begin to brown too quickly.

11. Don't serve dinner until everyone stuffs dollar bills in your apron.

Makes 4 big ones

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