" Raiders Of The Lost Ark" Extra Cheesy Spielburgers

These aren't your everyday cheeseburgers, they're bigger, richer, and cheesier, just like a Spielburg movie! You'll love 'em!

You will Need:

  • 2 lbs. either beef chuck, top round, chicken or turkey thighs or lean lamb, very cold
  • 2 cups mushrooms, sliced
  • 2 Tbsp. peanut oil
  • 1/4 cup crushed ice
  • 1 beefsteak tomato, sliced
  • 1/4 cup scallions, chopped
  • 1 white onion, thinly sliced
  • 2 Tbsp. parsley, chopped
  • 1 tsp. freshly cracked black pepper
  • kosher salt to taste
  • 1 lb. sharp cheddar, thinly sliced
  • 2 Tbsp. butter
  • 1 small head romaine lettuce
  • condiments galore
  • 4 buns (plus 2 bun stand-ins)
  • 1 "King of the World Club" membership card


1. Pre-production: After casting the role of "leading meat" for your extravaganza, contact the representing agent and begin negotiations. (Scale plus 10% and a few points on the meal should secure the deal.) Cut the meat into 1-2 inch pieces and transfer to a food processor. Add the crushed ice and using short pulses, grind the meat to the consistency of coarse hamburger. Don't over grind (or over direct) or the meat will become tough. Transfer to a mixing bowl, add the scallions, parsley and black pepper; mix together well.

2. Divide the meat into 4 equal pieces. Form each piece into a virtual blockbuster of a burger, each one more fantastic and wildly successful than the one before it. (If really aspiring to greatness, try forming the patties around a fat chunk of cheese...who cares if it throws you over budget and behind schedule, this is your vision, dammit!) Season both sides of the patties with kosher salt and refrigerate.

3. Saute the mushrooms in butter (Assuring them privately all the while that they are the real stars of this meal.) season with salt and pepper and set aside.

4. Production: Heat a heavy, cast iron skillet over a medium-high heat until very hot. Quickly brush the pan with peanut oil and ask the assistant director to call for the patties.

5. After the patties have walked through the blocking and are comfortable with their motivations, shout ACTION! and thrust them into the pan. The scene should last about 4 minutes; flip them and do the reversals, then top each burger with as much cheese as you can get away with.

6. Continue working until each burger is cooked precisely the way you want it...if you want 'rare', yell CUT now!...if you feel 'medium' will help skew a larger, younger audience, then continue cooking 2 minutes longer.

7. Smother each burger with sauteed mushrooms and excruciatingly obsequious accolades (making a mental note to phone their agent and kvetch about how impossible they were to work with.)

8. Post-production: Give yourself a pat on the back and exit stage right before someone directs you to do the dishes.

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