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It must be tough to be constantly upstaged by a talking dog and a homicidal infant. But somehow, Peter deals with it. Check out some of the best quotes from this hilarious series. Did we leave out your favorite? Let us know on our Family Guy message boards!


very funny quotes from Family Guy

"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
- Peter in Family Guy, Loaded Weapons

"I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it."
"Butter's in the fridge!"
- Peter and Quagmire in Family Guy, Viewer mail #1

"Good, I don't have to cook."
"Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty."
- Lois and Peter in From Method to Madness

"Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?"
"The same thing that always happens, she was an idiot."
- Peter and Brian in Brian Wallows and Peter Swallows

"By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins."
- Stewie in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

"For me? Please?"
"All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am."
- Lois and Peter in A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

"You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk."
- Peter in Ready, Willing and Disabled

"What's a library, dad?"
"Oh, it's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM."
- Chris and Peter in Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

"I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!"
"Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?"
- Robber and Stewie in To Live and Die in Dixie

"Are you gonna miss me?"
"Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler."
- Lois and Peter in A Fish Out of Water

"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
"Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes."
- Brian and Peter in A Fish Out of Water

"Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."
- Stewie in The Kiss Seen Around the World

"I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
- Peter in Lethal Weapons

"Everybody! Guess what I am?"
"Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?"
- Meg and Stewie in And the Wiener is

"Here's to our wives! They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining, but, um ... y'know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway."
- Peter in One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

"Dad, what's the blow-hole for?"
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World."
- Chris and Peter in Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

"Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk."
- Stewie in Brian Does Hollywood

"You're drunk again."
"No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
- Lois and Peter in Wasted Talent

"Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery."
- Peter in Wasted Talent

"Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different."
"Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells."
- Lois and Stewie in Story on Page 1

"He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like salt-water taffy or a Chunky."
- Cleveland in Wasted Talent

"See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences."
- Peter in The Story on Page 1

"A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes."
- Peter in There's Something About Paulie

"I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal."
- Peter in Let's Go to the Hop

"I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection."
- Brian in Road to Rhode Island

"Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."
- Stewie in I am Peter, Hear me Roar

"What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!"
- Stewie in Love Thy Trophy

Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?
- Lois in Brian in Love

"I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time."
- Peter in DaBoom

"Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest."
- Lois in Holy Crap

"Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace."
- Peter in Peter, Peter Caviar Eater

"For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"
- Stewie in Mind Over Murder

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