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Here are some of our favorite quotes from the show about nothing. Did we miss one? Let us know by posting it on our Seinfeld Message Board, and we'll add it to the list!


very funny Seinfeld quotes:

"Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
- Jerry in The Junior Mint

"Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
- Jerry in The Junior Mint

"As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway."
- Kramer in The Pothole

"Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are."
"Trust me, I know the look."
- Elaine and Jerry in The Wink

"It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details."
- Jerry in The Deal

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
- Jerry in The Baby Shower

"Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
"How old are you?"
- Jerry and Elaine in The Stranded

"I've always been a stall man."
- George in The Note

"It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes."
- Jerry to Elaine in The Pen

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry in The Chinese Restaurant

"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George in The Cafe

"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
- Jerry, to Elaine in The Airport

"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George in The Keys

"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he met Jerry in The Outing

"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."
- George in The Trip

"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
- Kramer in The Mango

"I want you to find out if she likes me."
"Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?"
- George and Elaine in The Doodle

"I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!"
"And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins."
- George and Jerry in The Doodle

"Bro's no good. Too ethnic."
"You got something better?"
"How about the Mansiere?"
"Mansiere."
"That's right. A brassiere for a man."
- Frank and Kramer in The Doorman

"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
- Jerry in The Smelly Car

"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George in The Puffy Shirt

"It's so great to see a show that's about something."
- Newman in The Cartoon

"I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."
- George in The Dealership

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- Jerry in The Pilot

"Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
- Jerry in The Non-Fat Yogurt

"The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing."
- Kramer in The Suicide

"I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood."
- Jerry in The Blood

"It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination."
- Jerry, talking about his upcoming audit in The Truth

"Women don't respect salad eaters."
- Jerry in The Wink

"Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on."
- George in The Parking Space

"Man, it's the nineties... It's Hammer time!"
- Kramer in The Parking Space

"She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon."
- George in The Baby Shower

"Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all laid out for me."
- Elaine in The Cheever Letters

"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
- George in The Cafe

"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
- George in The Engagement

"This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!"
- Jerry in The Stakeout

"When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy."
- George in The Hot Tub

"Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you?"
- Jerry in The Boyfriend

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry in The Pick

"You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!"
- Elaine in The Soup Nazi

"There's nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum."
- Elaine in The Maid

"I relate to George through you. We're more like friends-in-law."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
- Kramer in The Puffy Shirt

"Retail is for suckers."
- Kramer in The Glasses

"I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation."
- Jerry in The Sniffing Accountant

"I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity."
- George in The Pilot

"I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around."
- Elaine in The Blood

"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George in The Masseuse

"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."
- George in The Truth

"Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
- Kramer in The Race

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
- Jerry in The Beard

"Man's Best Friend... Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone."
- Kramer in The Strongbox

"I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
- Jerry in The Soup

"Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
- Kramer in The Slicer

"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George in The Label Maker

"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George in The Gymnast

"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
- Jerry in The Gymnast

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
- Kramer in The Chinese Woman

"It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal."
- Jerry in The Chinese Woman

"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
- Jerry in The Big Salad

"She had man-hands!"
- Jerry in The Bizzaro Jerry

"You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.'"
- Kramer in The Bizzaro Jerry

"It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music."
- George, about Elaine's dancing in The Little Kicks

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George in The Stand-In

"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
- George in The Stand-In

"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
- Jerry in The Marine Biologist

"This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
- Jerry in The Pie

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