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Michael on Harvard not naming student housing after former university president Leonard Hoar: “So they didn’t want to have a whore house. That makes sense to me.”
D.L.: “Look, you’re a cop, right? And I know that there’s a natural level of antagonism between, you know, your kind and my kind. I usually call you officer, you call me perp. But we can work together this time and solve the crime of him bullshitting you.”
D.L.: “Me? I was what I always am, which is a truth-teller. I never lie to cops. Ever.”
D.L. on the basketball court on the top floor of the Supreme Court building: “The justices refer to it as the highest court in the land, and the only reason Clarence Thomas got in was ‘cause they needed a black guy for five-game pickup.”
Michael: “Let me explain white comedy to you, D.L. It’s sort of like Cedric the Entertainer, I’m trying to explain this …”
D.L.: “Wait, wait, wait. OK, we have Cedric, but you have Carrot Top, so we’re (expletive) even.”
Michael: “Can you imagine a scarier sight than the Supreme Court playing a game of shirts vs. skins?”
Michael on Steve Jobs: “It’s not a stretch, by any means, to think that the president would want him to serve in a government capacity. It was actually for the president’s export council. He was going to be in charge of exporting black turtleneck shirts.”
D.L. on Alabama being one of the top states for rodeos: “Now I don’t know that ‘cause I’ve never been there because something about rednecks and ropes scares the (expletive) out of me.”
Michael: “What are you going to learn in rodeo clowning class? Don’t let the bull step on you (expletive) face. Class dismissed.”
D.L.: “You think that Mitt Romney is not going to drink caffeine but is going to drink something with black-ass Lil Jon on the can?”
D.L.: “Let me tell you something. If Mitt Romney had actually drunk Lil Jon’s Crunk Juice, he would have gotten more than three black people to vote for him.”
Contestant Frank Rice: “Nelly, I don’t know too much about him, but I know how to arrest pimps.”
Michael: “D.L., take a step back, just in case. I’m just saying with this suit and everything, take a step back.”

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