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Contestant Nikki Kirkland on fitting women for shoes: “It’s like fitting a Twinkie through a keyhole.”
Michael: “Being a shoe salesman is a lot grosser than I thought.”
Michael on a blue collar theme park: “It’s actually very ecologically friendly. They’re going to recycle paper, cans and white trash.”
Michael on a restaurant in Antarctica: “What are they going to serve there? Baby seal back ribs?”
Michael on the Statue of Liberty originally being designed to look like Ulysses S. Grant: “If we saw that, immigrants coming to America, and that’s what you saw, you’d be like, ‘You know what? I’ll go back to the farm in Russia.’”
Michael on Ulysses S. Grant: “He looks like any one of Mumford and Sons. … He looks like Robin Williams doing one of his serious movies.”
D.L. on Hugh Hefner naming the Playboy Bunny after his mom: “Would you name a bunch of naked tricks after your mother?”
Michael on Dr. Ruth Westheimer being a trained sniper: “She’s not even tall enough to ride the bumper trucks at the blue collar comedy theme park.”
D.L.: “If my mother loaned me money to start a business, she wouldn’t want to be named. She would want her money back.”
Nikki: “I actually watched a documentary on Hugh Hefner, but I don’t remember them saying anything about Bunny being named with his mother and coinciding with that.”
D.L.: “I have the magazines, and I never saw it.”
Michael: “Calvin Klein, he got hired by Elvis to design him a suit, and he had this little, tiny little pocket for food that was in his suit and a much larger pocket that he had for drugs.”
Michael after the contestant chose the wrong host: “A secret pocket for food, Nikki? I don’t even feel bad about this one.”
Michael: “Yes, I lied to you before. Get over it.”
D.L. on pigeons: “They could fly from China to Paula Deen’s house and go, ‘Watch out, this bitch is crazy.’”
Michael: “I’m not defending Paula Deen, alright, but she’s not the pickiest eater.”
Michael: “Did you hear what he said? He said a reserve pigeon army. How many pigeons are in the regular army, D.L.?”

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