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D.L.: A hedgehog is fat and brown, so that would be like Cee-Lo Green.
Michael: It's not like the pizza delivery guy comes into the oval office and delivers the pizza. That's what Monica was for."
Michael: "The '60s was the golden age of communicable diseases. All those hippies rolling around, licking mud off each other. They had to do something about it, so they got paper cups."
Michael: "What are you gonna do to train a bee? You gonna get a choke chain?!"
Michael: "Alfred Hitchcock…'Psycho,' he got the idea for that after he saw a transvestite in a sword fight."
Michael: "It took me 3 years to train my dog not to s--t on the rug!"
D.L.: "That may seem realistic because everything in Mississippi is backwards."
D.L. on his father: "I didn't know he was a magician, I just thought he was a deadbeat."
D.L. on his father: "The good thing is that they found my father, and he was in Englewood."
Michael: "The only person who has ever disappeared in a puff of smoke that long is Willy Nelson."
Michael: "If you disappear in Russia, you don't reappear."
Michael: "I've seen the story of menstruation. I thought it was called 'True Blood.'"
Michael on a Disney menstruation film: "Who was the Disney princess on that one? Tamponia?"
Michael: "A stork came to our house one night, and had sex with your mom."
Michael: "Bill Clinton has had far worse things in his mouth than Pizza Hut."
D.L.: "I didn't grow up with that experience. I said, 'Mom where did I come from?' and she said, 'Boones Farm and a backseat.'"

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