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"Nobody wants their first words they say to the person they're getting ready to marry to be 'I do,' I think squeezing a 'hello' in makes perfect sense."
- Tommy in 99 Problems

"That's amazing footwork for a couple that just met! 'Dancing with the Stars' finalists aren't that in sync!"
- Rutherford in 99 Problems

"You know who really sours my milk? The No-Show. They RSVP, waste the calligrapher's time. I mean, there's 7 seconds of that guy's life he's never gonna see again."
- Barry in 99 Problems

"I learned something new today: there's no such thing as good-looking nudists."
- Rachel in 99 Problems

"That's Virginia. She wears high-heels when she exercises."
- Stevie in 99 Problems

"I put on twenty pounds since the wedding. They had to let my dress out so much they had to get a city permit!"
- Denise in 99 Problems

"It's a stretch that you dated one girl from a hit song, but two? How's that possible?"
- Tommy in 99 Problems

"I can only play for one team! And Rutherford is the team that I play for! Because I'm really scared of her, I'm sorry!"
- Rachel in 99 Problems

"For those of you who have not seen the last 19 World Cups, and by the way do not bet England they will break your heart, the red card means you are kicked out, banished, you are excommunicated soccer-style!"
- Rutherford in 99 Problems

"Did he just shift to Jerry Maguire?"
- Rutherford in 99 Problems

"Who is ready to rock?!?"
- Barry in Pilot

"These guys? Killed at the Holiday Inn. At the Holiday Inn!"
- Derek in Pilot

"I think we should have all of our fights while the kids are asleep."
- Eddie in Pilot

"I think women panic, ya know? I knew this one girl who blogged about her clock. And it got so bad that her eggs friended me!"
- Tommy in Pilot

"That would be Ty. He coaches, he cleans, he basically is every dad's worst nightmare."
- Pilot in Eddie

"Gross! What kind of responsible adult turns his band's rehearsal space into a kids' playroom?"
- Barry in Pilot

"Ballads: Rock's equivalent to the 2AM drunk dial."
- Stevie in Pilot

"The first rule in spa day is you do not move spa day!"
- Eddie in Pilot

"While we're all selling out, why don't we lease Priuses and have Betty White join our super group!"
- Barry in Pilot

"You know when I look at you, Rachel, it's almost like I'm looking at myself in the mirror...only I don't like the necklace I'm wearing."
- Rutherford in Pilot

"No! No, you're not topping anything. There's no nitrous, there's no condoms. You're going to take the little kids and the sitter to the toddler center and then you're going to play some pre-ceremony music!"
- Rachel in Pilot

"She should be flirting with me! I'm the one that lost my digital virginity to her."
- Barry in I Love College

"I just wish I had relationship TiVo cause I could like, tape it, go back, show her the whole conversation and then she'd see how it was taken out of context and she was wrong."
- Eddie in I Love College

"When you get married the games don't end, you just go to the next level. It's like World of Warcraft."
- Eddie in I Love College

"I've been working on a cure for virginity for quite some time and I think I'm pretty close to cracking it."
- Barry in I Love College

"At least you're not a nerd magnet. I'm being hit on more than a ball at a Quidditch World Cup."
- Rachel in I Love College

"No fracking way! Alexis Stone did the intergalactic walk of shame from your place!"
- Barry in I Love College

"You know what? I don't trust guys like that. If I dated Garth? I'd dump his ass."
- Eddie in I Love College

"You're Wes! You're a pro-surfer. You wrestle sharks. You're into whaling."
- Tommy in I Love College

"Did you just put a lime in your drink so I'd think it was a vodka tonic?"
- Tommy in Don't Forget About Me

"I would just like to point out the fact that you've been using your kids as a beard to get out of things lately and I don't like it."
- Tommy in Don't Forget About Me

"What's on tap for the bachelorette party?...You don't have to invite me! You probably assume I have other plans, that your boss has better things to do than hang out with assistants."
- Roxy in Don't Forget About Me

"You ever been street luging? Most of my body is road rash."
- Barry in Don't Forget About Me

"Ten bucks a guess? That's great! You taught my six year old daughter how to gamble, that's great."
- Eddie in Don't Forget About Me

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