tues, weds & thurs night


Howard: "Kissing? What kind of kissing? Cheek? Lips? Chaste? French?"
Leonard: "What is wrong with you?"
Howard: "I’m a romantic."
- Howard, Leonard in The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

"He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve."
- Howard in The Bat Jar Conjecture

"Hey, you gotta like this! The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty."
- Howard in The Roommate Transmogrification

"Believe in magic, you muggles!"
- Howard in The Prestidigitation Approximation

Penny: "Who's Adam West?"
Sheldon: "Who's Adam West!? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?"
Howard: "My guess is 'four minutes, a new record!'"
- Penny, Sheldon, Howard in The Precious Fragmentation

Howard: "I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz."
Leonard: "My money's on tuck and roll."
- Howard, Leonard in The Terminator Decoupling

Penny: "Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are."
Howard: "I guess that makes me large breasts."
- Penny, Howard in The Nerdvana Annihilation

Howard: "Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said 'huzzah!'"
Howard: "I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation."
- Howard, Sheldon in The Codpiece Topology

Gablehauser: "And this boy's picture in People magazine is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than…well, taller than you."
Howard: "I have a Master's Degree." Gablehauser: "Who doesn't?"
- Gablehauser, Howard in The Griffin Equivalency

Howard: "You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin."
Sheldon: "Why?"
Howard: "Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me."
- Howard, Sheldon in The Zazzy Substitution

"I am a horny engineer, I never joke about math or sex."
- Howard in The Hofstadter Isotope

"Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?"
- Howard in The Hofstadter Isotope

Howard: "Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?" Raj: "I thought we were going to be gentle with him." Howard: That's why I added the '-tator."
- Howard, Raj in The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

"You got her to have sex with you. Obviously your super power is brainwashing."
- Howard in The Justice League Recombination

Leonard: "Howard, this is big science. You could be the engineer who builds the equipment that puts us on the cover of magazines."
Howard: "I could also be the engineer that builds the crossbow that kills Sheldon."
- Leonard, Howard in The Monopolar Expedition

"Oh great it's my cousin David about the ring... Hey David what'd you find?... Sure half a carat is fine, her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her."
- Howard in The Herb Garden Germination

"Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms - or hits you with the pepper spray."
- Howard in The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

"Sheldon, I'd kill my Rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister."
- Howard in The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

Leonard: "What happened to him?"
Howard: "He wouldn't sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handfull of my mother's Valium in it. TAG YOU'RE IT!"
- Leonard, Howard in The Bad Fish Paradigm

Penny: "So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?"
Leonard: "No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy."
- Penny, Leonard in The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Penny: "What are we goin to do?"
Leonard: "We? No no no, you had your chance to we for a year and a half now. Right now your are you and you are screwed."
- Penny, Leonard in The Cushion Saturation

Leonard: "What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?"
Sheldon: "Screwed."
Leonard: "There you go."
- Leonard, Sheldon in The Desperation Emanation

"She finished top of her class Cambridge University and is licensed to practice law in three countries ... and your face!"
- Leonard in The Agreement Dissection

"Sometimes your movements are so life like I forget you are not a real boy."
- Leonard in The Hot Troll Deviation

"What ya doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the road runner?"
- Leonard in The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

"12 years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table."
- Leonard in The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

"Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy's one lab accident away from being a super villain."
- Leonard in The Panty Pinata Polarization

“Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.”
- Leonard in The Terminator Decoupling

Leonard: "I love cheesecake."
Sheldon: "You're lactose-intolerant."
Leonard: "I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea."
- Leonard, Sheldon in Pilot

“My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.”
- Leonard in The Peanut Reaction

"All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably make an actual Hulk."
- Leonard in The Desperation Emanation

Sheldon: "I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad."
Howard: "He can feel sadness?"
Leonard: "Not really. It's what you and I would call condescension."
- Sheldon, Leonard in The Griffin Equivalency

Leonard: "I'm sorry."
Priya: "Why do you say that?"
Leonard: "When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my natural response."
- Leonard, Priya in The Irish Pub Formulation

"I live so close I can hear your toilet flush. I don't listen for it, but nice to know everything's OK with your plumbing. In your building."
- Leonard in The Prestidigitation Approximation

"I'm still not adjusted to how SyFy spells their name now. S-Y-F-Y... that's siffy."
- Leonard in The Thespian Catalyst

"You actually want to deceive your father with some sort of sham, playacting and kissing? Because I'm good with that."
- Leonard in The Boyfriend Complexity

Leonard: "How is that my fault?"
Penny: "You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots."
- Leonard, Penny in The Lunar Excitation

Sheldon: "You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this robotic arm will one day make unskilled food servers, such as yourself, obsolete."
Penny: "Really? They're going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?"
- Sheldon, Penny in The Robotic Manipulation

Sheldon: “I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.”
Penny: “Who's Radiohead?”
Sheldon: “[after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.”
- Sheldon, Penny in The Work Song Nanocluster

Leonard: “Do you have a drink that will make him less obnoxious?”
Penny: “Drinks do not work that way.”
- Leonard, Penny in The Grasshopper Experiment

"Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition that I thought was for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn."
- Penny in The Cohabitation Formulation

Amy: "Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over."
Penny: "Oh, so I spent the 7th greade dotting my I’s with asses? Cool."
- Amy, Penny in The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Sheldon: "Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken."
Penny: "Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my barbie."
- Sheldon, Penny in The Panty Pinata Polarization

"So that means, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor and ... Howard you know a lot of doctors."
- Penny in The Roommate Transmogrification

"And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?"
- Penny in The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sheldon: "Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?"
Penny: "I don't know, a psychiatrist?"
- Sheldon, Penny in The Hamburger Postulate

Penny: “Get anything good?”
Sheldon: “Just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.”
Penny: “Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't!”
- Penny, Sheldon in The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Penny: “Do or do not do there is only try.”
Leonard: “My girlfriend quoted Star Wars!”
Penny: “I believe I quoted The Empire Strikes Back.”
- Penny, Leonard in The Wheaton Recurrence

Leonard: “You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.”
Penny: “Or we could just have a life.”
- Leonard, Penny in The Dumpling Paradox

Leonard: “If you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?”
Penny: “Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.”
- Leonard, Penny in null

Leonard: “If you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?”
Penny: “Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.”
- Leonard, Penny in The Dumpling Paradox

Penny: “Come on, I mean, you're not upset that your marriage is over?”
Beverly: “Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.”
Penny: “Sure, sure.”
- Penny, Beverly in The Maternal Congruence

Sheldon: “Do you know where the phrase jibber jabber comes from?”
Penny: “Oh my god, you're about to jibber jabber about ‘jibber jabber?’”
- Sheldon, Penny in The Engagement Reaction

“Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.”
- Penny in The Wildebeest Implementation

“Come on dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.”
- Rajesh in The Roommate Transmogrification

“How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye.”
- Rajesh in The Grasshopper Experiment

“Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!”
- Rajesh in null

Penny: “What do you mean 'new roommate'? What happened to Leonard?”
Sheldon: “Same thing that happened to 'Homo Erectus'. He was replaced by a superior species.”
Raj: “I'm the new homo in town...”
- Sheldon, Raj in The Roommate Transmogrification

Girl: “What are you gonna get, Raj?”
Raj: “With my luck - Hepatitis!”
- Rajesh in The Gothowitz Deviation

“Excuse me but I don't think Penny is out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl Beyonce says: If you like you should've put a ring on it.”
- Rajesh in The Guitarist Amplification

“I don't like rabbits. They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.”
- Rajesh in The Wheaton Recurrence

“Come on, dude, bros before my sister.”
- Rajesh in The Zarnecki Incursion

“I don't want to go back to India! It's hot, and it's loud, and there are so many people! You have no idea -- they're everywhere.”
- Rajesh in The Pirate Solution

Rajesh: “Can I bring girls here?”
Leonard: “You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.”
Rajesh: “Okay, deal.”
Leonard: “Just not against their will.”
- Rajesh, Leonard in The Roommate Transmogrification

“Cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with sex appeal. Like a labradoodle!”
- Rajesh in The Thespian Catalyst

“Oh, you're so arrogant! If you were a super hero your name would be Captain Arrogant. And do you know what your super power would be? Arrogance!”
- Rajesh in The Hot Troll Deviation

"I'd rather swim buck naked across the Ganges river with a paper cut on my nipple than work with you."
- Rajesh in The Pirate Solution

Rajesh: “These methods of meditation come from the ancient gurus of India, and have helped me overcome my own fears.”
Sheldon: “And yet, you can't speak to women.”
Rajesh: “True, but thanks to it, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.”
- Rajesh, Sheldon in The Pants Alternative

Rajesh: “Ok, two words. Deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk because she can't hear me.”
Leonard: “What?”
Rajesh: “That's what she said.”
- Rajesh, Leonard in The Desperation Emanation

"Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely."
- Rajesh in The Wildebeest Implementation

"(Talking to Wolowitz) Last night I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side by side mansions, but there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?"
- Rajesh in null

"It's amazing what liquor does to guilt."
- Rajesh in The Herb Garden Germination

"I'd like to raise two points, #1 I think they are talking about penises, and #2 these Mimosas are kicking my little brown ass."
- Rajesh in The Love Car Displacement

“Oh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.”
- Sheldon in The Luminous Fish Effect

“You participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.”
- Sheldon in Pilot

Penny: “Sorry, Sheldon. Do you have a second?”
Sheldon: “A second what? Pair of underwear?”
- P3nny, Sheldon in The Codpiece Topology

Leonard: “Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.”
Sheldon: “You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.”
- Leonard, Sheldon in null

Leonard: “Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?”
Sheldon: “Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.”
- Leonard, Sheldon in The Cushion Saturation

“No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.”
- Sheldon in The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

“I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.”
- Sheldon in The Maternal Congruence

Leonard: “When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.”
Sheldon: “Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat—a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.”
- Leonard, Sheldon in The Maternal Congruence

"I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder."
- Sheldon in The Bus Pants Utilization

Sheldon: "I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction."
Amy: "Slow down, Sheldon. I’m not quite there yet."
- Sheldon, Amy in The Herb Garden Germination

“Engineering – where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those think and dream. Hello Oompa Loompas of science!”
- Sheldon in The Jerusalem Duality

“As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong … to point it out.”
- Sheldon in The Luminous Fish Effect

“Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.”
- Sheldon in The Justice League Recombination

“I can’t be impossible, I exist! I believe what you meant to say is, ‘I give up, he’s improbable!”
- Sheldon in The Gothowitz Deviation

“I bought these Star Sars sheets, but they turned out to be much to stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.”
- Sheldon in null

“I bought these Star Sars sheets, but they turned out to be much to stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.”
- Sheldon in The Euclid Alternative

"Four tines is a fork. Three tines is trident. One is for eating, one is for ruling the seven seas."
- Sheldon in null

“No one calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw.”
- Sheldon in The Terminator Decoupling

“It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star trek movie?”
- Sheldon in The Pants Alternative

“It’s amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.”
- Sheldon in The Codpiece Topology

Sheldon: “Look on the bright side.”
Leonard: “What bright side?” Sheldon: “Only nine more months until ComicCon.”
Leonard: “Oh, yeah.”
- Sheldon, Leonard in The Codpiece Topology

“You know, I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.”
- Sheldon in The Vegas Renormalization

“What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?”
- Sheldon in The Vegas Renormalization

“Interesting, you’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.”
- Sheldon in The Jiminy Conjecture

Leonard: “You changed the address on the building? What about mail?”
Sheldon: “Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were: Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.”
- Sheldon, Leonard in The Desperation Emanation

“All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy.”
- Sheldon in The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Penny: "Are we your X-Men?"
Sheldon: "No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper you will be my C-men."
- Penny, Sheldon in The Pants Alternative

Sheldon: “I recently had a dream that I was giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.”
Leonard: “How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?”
Sheldon: “I was wearing size ‘a million’ pants”
- Leonard, Sheldon in The Pants Alternative

“Are you still depressed because you’re alone and no one loves you?”
- Sheldon in The Desperation Emanation

“I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.”
- Sheldon in The Spaghetti Catalyst

“I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point, it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.”
- Sheldon in The Dumpling Paradox

“You told me it’s mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown. Once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.”
- Sheldon in The Classified Materials Turbulence

“I don’t know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this good at a videogame.“
- Sheldon in The Dumpling Paradox

“For what it’s worth my mother says when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.”
- Sheldon in The Classified Materials Turbulence

Sheldon: “Why are you crying?”
Penny: “Because I'm stupid.”
Sheldon: “Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.”
- Sheldon, Penny in The Gorilla Experiment

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