How Sean Spicer Should Quit

Apr 12 2017
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9 Blaze-Of-Glory Ideas (That Have Nothing To Do With Hitler)

Poor Sean Spicer. He wants to be out of a job so badly. But what’s a guy to do when you can’t get fired for telling a room full of journalists that Hitler didn’t gas “his own people”? Answer: you have to get creative.

Despite our differences, everyone can relate to being stuck in a terrible job, so we want to help Sean Spicer. Here are nine sure-fire ways for the Press Secretary to make a dramatic exit and start a new life somewhere out of the spotlight (or on Fox & Friends, whichever).

1. The Mary Poppins

Pull a giant umbrella from your giant suit and float away.

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2. Chocolate Revenge

Make reporters watch you eat an entire chocolate cake on the podium. Offer some to Glenn Thrush then say “PSYCH, BITCH” and finish cake in one bite.

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3. The Differential

Bring out a stack of papers. Explain that you are BIGGER and the stack of papers is SMALLER… look around the room meaningfully, leave.

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4. The Switcheroo

Wear a gray suit and “Press” hat, take a seat amidst reporters. Wait silently and when “Spicer” doesn’t show, scream “I’m a journalist, I don’t have time for this!” and walk out.

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5. The Unimaginary Friend

Bring a rat to the podium with you and only take questions from it. When someone finally asks why you’re taking questions from a rat, gasp and say, “You see him, too?” Run.

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6. The Up

Tie 100 balloons to podium, fly away.

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7. Reverse Stripper

Yell “SURPRISE!”, get inside a giant cake and wait until someone wheels you out of the room.

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8. Three Words: Carrie Prom Scene

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9. Viking Funeral

Put your podium on a boat and shove it out into the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool. Borrow a bow and arrow from Bannon’s office and light it up. Take your place in the halls of Valhalla. Or maybe just a consulting firm.

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