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SCHEDULE: April 2014

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Thursday, April 17

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Home Stretch, The
When Jeff discovers that a guy is giving Audrey home Pilates classes, he wants to make a change. Meanwhile, Adam tells Jennifer specifics about his football past.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Nature's Game Show
Earl loses his list when tornadoes blow through Camden County, and Catalina has a religious experience. Meanwhile, Joy is offended when Darnell tells her that he is smarter than her, so she wants to show him who is really the smart one.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Chicago Shoe Exchange
Al and Griff trade the shoe store's inventory for a massage chair.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Lez Be Friends
Al strikes up a friendship with Marcy's identical cousin.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Family Portrait Episode, The
Suzanne wants to have a formal portrait of the family taken, but trying to pull everyone together proves to be impossible.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet My Family
Brown becomes tired of the chaos and arranges a surprise "Family Day" to occupy them all only to create more family drama.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Can't Buy Me Love
Calvin and Miranda break up because of her insecurities and misunderstandings.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Day of the Rhino, The
Michelle is cheated by a TV advertisement and protests. D.J., Vicky and Rebecca teach Steve, Jesse and Danny a lesson about lying.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Harder They Fall, The
Will and his girlfriend's dad (John Witherspoon) are in a plane crash.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
*M* Is for the Marny Things She Gave Me
Phil's ex-girlfriend (Pam Grier) is attracted to Will.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Mother's Day
Phil urges the kids to give Vivian thoughtful Mother's Day gifts.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Deposition, The
Michael is put in an awkward position when Jan sues Dunder-Mifflin for wrongful termination and he is deposed as a witness. Meanwhile, Kelly begins smack talking Pam after Darryl beats Jim at ping pong.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Dinner Party
Michael invites Jim and Pam and Andy and Angela to a couples-only dinner party, which makes Dwight very jealous. However, the only thing he's missing is a ringside seat to witness Michael and Jan's extremely dysfunctional home life.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Jesus Walks
A cute girl entices Cleveland Jr. to join the church choir; Cleveland thinks Donna may be cheating on him.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Dr. Klaustus
After tricking Roger into going to Iraq, Klaus assumes the role of the Smiths' psychologist, but his emphasis on emotional honesty backfires.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Less Money, Mo' Problems
Stan bets Jeff and Hayley that he and Fran can live on minimum wage for one month; Roger and Steve test-drive a Ferrari after Klaus brags about having driven one.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Head First
Carrie convinces Doug to spend more time with Arthur.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fat City
Doug worries that Carrie will grow to look like her mother.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blind Dates, The
Joey and Phoebe conspire to send Rachel and Ross on disastrous blind dates.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Mugging, The
Joey stumbles upon a way to impress a famous actor (Jeff Goldblum) during an audition; Ross learns the identity of a long-ago mugger; Chandler accepts an internship at a shoe company.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Big Man on Hippocampus
Peter develops amnesia while appearing on the game show "Family Feud;" Lois goes on a date with Quagmire after Peter returns home with another woman.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Dial Meg For Murder
Peter participates in a rodeo; Meg dates a prison escapee.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
He's Too Sexy For His Fat
Peter talks himself into getting liposuction and other plastic surgery.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cornhusker Vortex, The
Leonard, hoping to fit in with Penny's football-loving friends, gets tutored in the sport by Sheldon. Raj is infuriated when Wolowitz's skirt-chasing leads to the loss of his prized patang.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Guitarist Amplification, The
Leonard and Penny's first big fight sees Sheldon playing mediator due to childhood trauma that's left him with an inability to be around loud verbal conflicts.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Adhesive Duck Deficiency, The
With the rest of the gang off on a desert camping trip to view the Leonid meteor shower, Sheldon must play hero after Penny slips in the tub and dislocates her shoulder.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vengeance Formulation, The
Barry Kripke pranks Sheldon during his spot on NPR, leaving him with a taste for vengeance. Wolowitz, pressured by Bernadette to define their relationship, gets advice from a fantasy version of Katee Sackhoff.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4562
Guests: Tracy Morgan, Judy Greer, Broken Bells
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1054
Guest: Jim Jefferies, Stand up from Jamie Lee
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4562
Guests: Tracy Morgan, Judy Greer, Broken Bells
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1054
Guest: Jim Jefferies, Stand up from Jamie Lee
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Mexican, The
Jerry Welbach, a reluctant bagman, has been given two ultimatums: The first is from his mob boss to travel to Mexico and retrieve a priceless antique pistol, known as "the Mexican"... or suffer the consequences. The second is from his girlfriend Samantha to end his association with the mob. Jerry figures alive and in trouble with Samantha is better than the more permanent alternative, so he heads south of the border. Finding the pistol proves easy. Getting it home is another matter. The pistol supposedly carries a legendary curse--a legend Jerry is given every reason to believe... especially when Samantha is taken hostage by a hit man to ensure the safe return of the pistol.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Desperate Half-Hour (1), The
Bud's prison pen pal arrives to rob the Bundys.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
How to Marry a Moron (2)
Al objects to Kelly marrying an armed robber, until he discovers that he's the heir to a family fortune.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Reading Is a Fundamental Case
Earl takes a walk on the wild side when he helps an old friend who's "gone native" re-integrate into society: he discovers the feral Raynard living in the abandoned Bookmobile they stole years before, and feels it is his job to rehabilitate him.
TV-14
 

Friday, April 18

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Uh-Oh It's Magic
When Russell takes his date to a magic show, the magician makes her disappear. Meanwhile, Audrey unknowingly slips up when she tells Brenda's girlfriend about the baby.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Orphan Earl
In this Christmas episode, Earl wants to make up for a scam he did before he found Karma, but he soon finds out that Joy is still running the scam he started.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Pilot
Al and Peg Bundy meet their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades. Peg informs Marcy how to train her new husband, while Al teaches Steve how to be a man again.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Thinergy
Marcy enlightens Peggy with a new diet book called "Thinergy," a program which only works if both partners go through it together.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Nick Hosts a Telethon Episode, The
Despite warnings from other co-workers, Nick gets stuck hosting a charity telethon, while Suzanne has to deal with a rich client's boring wedding plans.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet My Maker
Ms. Edna becomes depressed and loses the desire to live when she learns a childhood friend dies alone and broke. Cora is concerned and initiates a "This is Your Life" night to show Edna how appreciated she is. Meanwhile, Brown mistakenly thinks Jesus is gay.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
To Have and To Hold
Calvin proposes to Miranda while Janine returns and moves back in after breaking up with Bryan.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Prying Game, The
Jesse tries his homemade hairspray guard on Michelle, and Jesse, Danny and Joey decide to sell it on television. D.J. gets angry when Stephanie pries into her private life.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse
Will's father (Ben Vereen) comes back into his life.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
For Sale By Owner
The Trumps make a lucrative offer for the Banks home, prompting flashbacks.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Philadelphia Story, The
Will returns to Philadelphia to visit his mom and to settle an old score.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Chair Model, The
Kevin and Andy team up to reclaim the stolen Dunder-Mifflin parking spaces, which forces them into a showdown with the other five bosses of the office park. Meanwhile, Michael becomes fascinated by a women modeling chairs in a catalog.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Night Out
Michael and Dwight to to New York to party with Ryan, who is having lots of personal and professional problems. The rest of the office employees work late, and wind up getting locked in the business park.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Flush of Genius
Cleveland attempts to make toilet seats safer; Rallo thinks he's tall enough to ride his favorite rollercoaster.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Kidney Stays in the Picture, The
When Hayley experiences kidney failure, Stan and Fran travel into the past to find the man who may be Hayley's real father.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Ricky Spanish
Roger makes amends for the trouble he caused after he adopted a sociopathic persona; Stan and Fran get an unexpected visit from a Nigerian man whom they aided through a relief organization.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Toy Whorey
Stan wants Steve to stop playing with toys and be a man, so he brings Steve to Mexico to make love to a prostitute; Roger attempts to retrieve a bottle of wine from Terry and Greg.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Richie's Song
Doug learns Richie's wife is cheating on him.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Cello, Goodbye
Doug fears Carrie's new job is coming between them.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Millennium, The
Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Muffin Tops, The
Elaine becomes a partner in a muffin business; Jerry shaves his chest.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Peter-assment
Peter turns journalist after TMZ buys his amateur video; Peter is sexually-harassed by his boss.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Killers
Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt believes she'll never fall in love again. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams, the dashing, handsome Spencer Aimes. Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life - that is, until the morning after Spencer's 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he's also an international super-spy, and now Jen's perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping - all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws and work out some major trust issues. And you thought suburban life was easy.
TV-14
12:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Hogtied Splashdown
A roller derby queen and a physics teacher are among the competitors put to the test by flying off a ramp wearing apple crates for skis, getting quizzed while being hogtied over a pool of garbage and getting launched out of a cannon while Bam and his band of misfits wreak havoc from the ground.
TV-14
12:30 am
Deal With It
Chris Jericho and Bill Engvall
WITNESS RELOCATION: A contestant is instructed to disguise her identity, after a run-in with a couple of mobsters reveals a clue about her mysterious past. Co-host: Chris Jericho. BEAUTY SCHOOL PICKUP: When a beautiful beautician starts flirting with our contestant, he must enlist the help of the most awkward wingman ever...his girlfriend. Co-host: Bill Engvall.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Larry Crowne
Until he was downsized, affable, amiable Larry Crowne was a superstar team leader at the big-box company where he's worked since his time in the Navy. Underwater on his mortgage and unclear on what to do with his suddenly free days, Larry heads to his local college to start over. There he becomes part of a colorful community of outcasts all trying to find a better future for themselves. In his public-speaking class, Larry develops an unexpected crush on his teacher Mercedes Tainot, who has lost as much passion for teaching as she has for her husband. The simple guy who has every reason to think his life has stalled will come to learn an unexpected lesson: when you think everything worth having has passed you by, you just might discover your reason to live.
TV-14
3:00 am
Married With Children
Sixteen Years and What Do You Get?
Al's credit card is maxed out when he tries to find a gift for Peggy on their anniversary.
TV-PG
3:30 am
Married With Children
But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy
Steve and Marcy buy a huge watch dog which annoys Al with his constant barking. But when Peggy hears a noise in the night, Al accidentally shoots the dog.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Have You Driven a Ford Lately?
Al and Steve buy a classic Mustang and become consumed in restoring back to mint condition.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Whose Room Is It Anyway?
The Rhoades get a tax refund and they decide to build a room, but can't decide on what kind of room to build, a pool room for Al or an exercise room for Peggy.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Twister of Fate
A tornado prompts Jeff and Karen to consider an appropriate guardian for their sons.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Got the Babysitter Pregnant
Earl tries to help his old babysitter, whom he got pregnant by poking holes in her condom, by whipping her deadbeat son into shape. However, Randy gets mad at Earl when he recognizes the similarities between the man and himself.
TV-14
 

Saturday, April 19

6:00 am
Married With Children
Al Loses His Cherry
An argument leads Al to Luke's bachelor pad, where he basks in the swingers life he had envisioned.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Sue Got Work
When Peggy asks Al for a VCR, Marcy suggests that she go to work and earn the money herself where she learns what having a job is all about...minimum wage.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Hogtied Splashdown
A roller derby queen and a physics teacher are among the competitors put to the test by flying off a ramp wearing apple crates for skis, getting quizzed while being hogtied over a pool of garbage and getting launched out of a cannon while Bam and his band of misfits wreak havoc from the ground.
TV-14
7:30 am
Deal With It
Chris Jericho and Bill Engvall
WITNESS RELOCATION: A contestant is instructed to disguise her identity, after a run-in with a couple of mobsters reveals a clue about her mysterious past. Co-host: Chris Jericho. BEAUTY SCHOOL PICKUP: When a beautiful beautician starts flirting with our contestant, he must enlist the help of the most awkward wingman ever...his girlfriend. Co-host: Bill Engvall.
TV-14
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Unexpected Results
C.J. and Tanya break up after an unexpected surprise and everyone thinks Jazmine's a genius based on miscalculated test scores.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Babies
Brianna's pregnant friend, Tamika, comes to the house in need of a place to stay and later goes into labor leaving Brown to deliver the baby all by himself.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Nick Gets an Assistance Episode, The
Nick is forced to get an assistant, who is a must-hire from his boss. But when the assistant gets too close to his family and friends, Nick is forced to take action.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Sex and the City 2
The fun, the fashion, the friendship: "Sex and the City 2" brings it all back and more as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda take another bite out of The Big Apple--and beyond--carrying on with their busy lives and loves. What happens after you say "I do"? Life is everything the ladies ever wished it to be, but it wouldn''t be "Sex and the City" if life didn''t hold a few more surprises--this time in the form of a glamorous, sun-drenched adventure that whisks the women away from New York to one of the most luxurious, exotic and vivid places on earth, where the party never ends and there''s something mysterious around every corner. It''s an escape that comes exactly at the right moment for the four friends, who are finding themselves in--and fighting against--the traditional roles of marriage, motherhood and more. After all, sometimes you just have to get away with the girls.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 1), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Paternal Affairs
Arthur dates Doug's favorite, recently divorced aunt.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Rock, The
Doug belatedly learns Carrie's engagement ring is valuable.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Snow Day
Debra hurts Frank's feelings when the family is stranded together during a snowstorm.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Cookies
Ray vows to win the grand prize of the Frontier Girls cookie drive when Ally's troop leader targets his parents' house.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Lucky Suit
Marie ruins Robert's lucky suit while ironing it for his interview with the FBI.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Skit, The
Ray and Debra parody Frank and Marie's relationship, then the older couple does the same for them -- with different results.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Experiment, The
Penny seeks Sheldon's help to better comprehend Leonard's physics work. Wolowitz sees green when Leonard invites Bernadette to watch an experiment.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Congruence, The
A Christmas visit from his mother (Christine Baranski) has Leonard discovering she's kept a lot of news from him that she shares with Sheldon and worrying if she'll approve of his romance with Penny.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Psychic Vortex, The
Leonard is aghast to find out a secret of Penny's: she believes in psychics. Meanwhile, Sheldon tries to assist Koothrappali in picking up a girl at a university party.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Large Hadron Collision, The
Leonard faces a dilemma in choosing between Sheldon or Penny to accompany him to Switzerland to see CERN's Large Hadron Collider on Valentine's Day.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Deal With It
Chris Jericho and Bill Engvall
WITNESS RELOCATION: A contestant is instructed to disguise her identity, after a run-in with a couple of mobsters reveals a clue about her mysterious past. Co-host: Chris Jericho. BEAUTY SCHOOL PICKUP: When a beautiful beautician starts flirting with our contestant, he must enlist the help of the most awkward wingman ever...his girlfriend. Co-host: Bill Engvall.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Hogtied Splashdown
A roller derby queen and a physics teacher are among the competitors put to the test by flying off a ramp wearing apple crates for skis, getting quizzed while being hogtied over a pool of garbage and getting launched out of a cannon while Bam and his band of misfits wreak havoc from the ground.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Barbershop
An ensemble comedy about a day in the life of a barbershop on the south side of Chicago. It's Calvin's shop, and he inherited the struggling business from his father, but with bills to pay and a baby on the way, he sees the shop as a burden and a waste of time. After selling the shop to a local loan shark, Calvin slowly begins to see his father's vision and legacy and struggles with the notion that he just sold it out. Calvin's barbershop is filled with an eclectic and comedic cast of folk who share their stories, jokes, trials and tribulations. In the shop we find Eddie, an old barber with a big mouth, strong opinions and no customers. Jimmy is a highly educated barber with a superiority complex who can't stand Isaac, the new, white barber who just wants a shot at cutting some hair. Ricky is an ex-con with two strikes against him and is desperately trying to stay straight. Terri is a hard-edged woman who can't seem to leave her two-timing boyfriend. And lastly there's Dinka, a fellow barber who is madly in love with Terri but doesn't get the time of day.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Love Guru, The
Guru Pitka was once an ordinary American child, until his family left him at the gates of an Indian ashram to be raised by the exhaulted Guru Tugginmypuddha. Growing up in the small fishing village of Harenmahkeester, Pitka was schooled in the inner secrets of spiritual attainment along with his friend and sole rival, Deepak Chopra. But now, Chopra is a massive celebrity in America, and Pitka is still playing second-fiddle without even an "Oprah" episode on his resume. Determined to share his unending insights into the nature of life and get famous to boot, Pitka responds to a fateful call for help from Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. It seems her star player, Darren Roanoke has gone overnight from being a big hero to a big zero-scorer because his wife, Prudence, left him and is now dating the L.A. Kings' legendary goalie, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande. Pitka's new quest--to restore loving bliss between Darren and Prudence and attain the celestial heights of the Stanley Cup--will challenge everything he thought he knew about the inner workings of truth, love, happiness and hockey.
TV-14
3:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... Without Children
Al and Peg run away for the weekend and leave Bud and Kelly with the Rhoades, who've underestimated their intelligence.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Poker Game, The
Steve loses his paycheck in a poker game to Al and needs to get it back before Marcy finds out.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Where's the Boss?
Al can't seem to find Gary anywhere, which leads him to the conclusion that she's dead. He decides to go find another job.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Nightmare on Al's Street
Marcy has dreams about Al while Steve is on a business trip, leading her to ask Peggy for help.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Johnny B. Gone
Al and Peggy have tickets to attend the final night of their favorite hamburger joint. But when family problems get in the way, Al may miss out on the historical night.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, April 20

6:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Can Do It
Buck mates another dog, making the owner of the dog so angry that he sues Al.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (1)
The Bundys are at a hotel in Florida, only to find that an ax murderer lives there.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (2)
Peg gets kidnapped! Can Al get her back
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
If I Were a Rich Man
Al and Steve find out about 1 million dollars missing from the bank and the other Bundys think they have it.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Barbershop
An ensemble comedy about a day in the life of a barbershop on the south side of Chicago. It's Calvin's shop, and he inherited the struggling business from his father, but with bills to pay and a baby on the way, he sees the shop as a burden and a waste of time. After selling the shop to a local loan shark, Calvin slowly begins to see his father's vision and legacy and struggles with the notion that he just sold it out. Calvin's barbershop is filled with an eclectic and comedic cast of folk who share their stories, jokes, trials and tribulations. In the shop we find Eddie, an old barber with a big mouth, strong opinions and no customers. Jimmy is a highly educated barber with a superiority complex who can't stand Isaac, the new, white barber who just wants a shot at cutting some hair. Ricky is an ex-con with two strikes against him and is desperately trying to stay straight. Terri is a hard-edged woman who can't seem to leave her two-timing boyfriend. And lastly there's Dinka, a fellow barber who is madly in love with Terri but doesn't get the time of day.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
A single mother rediscovers the joys of family A single mother living in inner city Chicago, Brenda has been struggling for years to make ends meet and keep her three kids off the street. But when she's laid off with no warning, she starts losing hope for the first time - until a letter arrives announcing the death of a father she's never met. Desperate for any kind of help, Brenda takes her family to Georgia for the funeral. But nothing could have prepared her for the Browns, her father's fun-loving, crass Southern clan. In a small-town world full of long afternoons and country fairs, Brenda struggles to get to know the family she never knew existed and finds a brand new romance that just might change her life.
TV-14
1:30 pm
Movie
Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys
Wealthy socialite Charlotte Cartwright and her dear friend Alice Pratt, a working class woman of high ideals, have enjoyed a lasting friendship throughout many years. Suddenly, their lives become mired in turmoil as their adult children's extramarital affairs, unethical business practices and a dark paternity secret threaten to derail family fortunes and unravel the lives of all involved. Alice's self-centered newlywed daughter Andrea is betraying her trusting husband Chris by engaging in a torrid affair with her boss and mother's best friend's son William. While cheating on his wife Jillian with a string of ongoing dalliances with his mistress Andrea, William's true focus is to replace the COO of his mother's lucrative construction corporation. Meanwhile, Alice's other daughter Pam, a kind but no nonsense woman married to a hard working construction worker, tries to steer the family in a more positive direction. While paternity secrets, marital infidelity, greed and unsavory business dealings threaten to derail both families, Charlotte and Alice decide to take a breather from it all by making a cross-country road trip in which they rediscover themselves and possibly find a way to save their families from ruin.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too?
Gathered together in the Bahamas for their annual one-week reunion, four close couples eagerly reconnect, sharing news about their lives and relationships. But their intimate week in paradise is disrupted by the unexpected arrival of Sheila''s ex-husband, Mike, who hopes to break up her new marriage with Troy and win her back. The others soon realize they too are not immune to the challenges of commitment and fidelity. Angela doesn''t believe her husband, Marcus, can be faithful now that he''s a celebrity television newscaster. Dianne and Terry''s relationship is feeling the strain of raising children. And Patricia, a successful self-help psychologist, must finally reveal the deep flaws in her seemingly perfect marriage to Gavin. With their relationships hanging in the balance when they return home, each couple must choose between blame and forgiveness, doubt and faith, with life-altering consequences.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family
Madea, a wise-cracking, take-no-prisoners grandma, jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can't manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It's up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right the only way she knows how: with a lot of tough love, laughter, and the revelation of a long-buried family secret.
TV-14
10:15 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family
Madea, a wise-cracking, take-no-prisoners grandma, jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can't manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It's up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right the only way she knows how: with a lot of tough love, laughter, and the revelation of a long-buried family secret.
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
A single mother rediscovers the joys of family A single mother living in inner city Chicago, Brenda has been struggling for years to make ends meet and keep her three kids off the street. But when she's laid off with no warning, she starts losing hope for the first time - until a letter arrives announcing the death of a father she's never met. Desperate for any kind of help, Brenda takes her family to Georgia for the funeral. But nothing could have prepared her for the Browns, her father's fun-loving, crass Southern clan. In a small-town world full of long afternoons and country fairs, Brenda struggles to get to know the family she never knew existed and finds a brand new romance that just might change her life.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The phone line to the Bundys get cut off after Al refuses to pay the bill.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1)
Marcy and Peggy go to a strip club, but Marcy ends up losing her ring in a very uncomfortable space...
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (2)
The men take action over Peg and Marcy, just to make them feel bad about what happened.
TV-PG
 

Monday, April 21

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Singing and Dancing
When Timmy joins an a cappella group, he wants to keep it a secret from Russell. Meanwhile, Jeff and Audrey discover they have a new annoying neighbor.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Darnell Outed, Part 1
Joy steals Randy's audition for Erik Estrada's reality show "Estrada or Nada", but her public appearance has consequences for Darnell.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Born to Walk
Al needs to renew his license, but fails the test. Kelly, on the other hand, gets her license on the same day.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Alley of the Dolls
When Peggy's old high school rival challenges her to a family bowl-off, Peggy is determined to win - with the help of an "adopted" Bundy, ringer Steve Rhoades.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Silent Treatment Episode, The
Nick and Suzanne stop talking to each other after Suzanne gets upset with Nick for his attempts to fix her problems without listening to her.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Dangerous & the Deadline
When an old abusive boyfriend, Teddy, comes back from Jail to reunite with Sasha, problems arise but Teddy didn't take into consideraton Cora (Madea's daughter). Meanwhile, London loses Brown's winning raffle ticket for a Couple's Cruise and Brown enlists everyone to help him find it.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payne Speaking
Curtis protest his retirement at City Hall and C.J. reveals to Curtis that he's taking Curtis's job at the firehouse. Meanwhile, Ella battles with an innovative new pastor who plans to shut down the help center to make way for a new multi-media outreach program.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Bicycle Thief, The
When Michelle's pink bicycle is stolen, Danny, Jesse and Joey search for it. They bring back several pink bicycles--but not Michelle's.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Client (Part 1), The
Will manages the rising singing career of Ashley.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
What's Will Got To Do With It? (Part 2)
Rising star Ashley becomes a prima donna.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Reality Bites
Will and Carlton take Nicky to the mall to see his favorite TV character.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Did I Stutter?
After Stanley snaps at Michael during a meeting, Toby tries to convince him that Stanley needs to be dealt with. Dwight buys Andy's car. Pam's forced to wear old glasses instead of her contacts.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Job Fair
Michael, Oscar, and Darryl go with Pam to her alma mater's job fair, trying to find a summer intern. In an attempt to woo a major client, Jim, Andy, and Kevin go golfing. Back at the office, Dwight tries to prevent the rest of the staffers from leaving early.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Mama Drama
As Mother's Day approaches, Cleveland hires an actress to impersonate Dee Dee, Donna's estranged mother.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Love American Dad Style
Roger (Seth MacFarlane) opens a crooner's bar in the Smith family's attic and recruits Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) as his main entertainer. Soon, all of Langley Falls becomes enthralled by her singing voice - including Roger, who takes his crush on Hayley a bit too far. Meanwhile, Stan tries to prove his manhood by negotiating a good deal on a new car.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Killer Vacation
The Smith family's tropical vacation turns out to be anything but relaxing when Stan is assigned a mission to kill the activities director at their resort, whom his boss at the CIA insists is an ex-war criminal. Meanwhile, Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) try to rekindle their fading romance, while Roger, as his latest persona, Abigail Lemonparty, falls for an older gentleman.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Can I Be Frank With You
Francine dresses up in a man suit so she can spend more time with Stan; Steve forms a boy band with his friends.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Road Rayge
Doug cheats on a driver's test and loses his license.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Educating Doug
Doug takes an English lit class to please Carrie.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Brian Griffin's House of Payne
Brian's television pilot script gets picked up by a network, but he's horrified when changes are made to his concept; Chris and Meg accidentally knock Stewie unconscious.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
April in Quahog
When a black hole threatens to destroy the Earth, Peter tells Lois he doesn't like their children.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian and Stewie
Brian and Stewie are locked up inside a bank vault for an entire episode.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Quagmire's Dad
Quagmire can't accept his dad's lifestyle choices when they involve Brian.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Excelsior Acquisition, The
An appearance in traffic court comes at the worst possible time for Sheldon; the same day Stan Lee is appearing at the comic book store.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4518
Guests: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emmy Rossum and Sharon Jones and The Dap Kings
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1036
Guests: Paul Scheer, Adam Cayton-Holland
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4518
Guests: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emmy Rossum and Sharon Jones and The Dap Kings
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1036
Guests: Paul Scheer, Adam Cayton-Holland
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Dan in Real Life
Widowed father and family-advice columnist Dan Burns is still reeling from the heartache of loss and takes refuge by trying to maintain order with his three rebellious young girls, while dodging anything unexpected or outside the box. But when Dan heads to Rhode Island, his miffed daughters in tow, for the annual fall weekend thrown by the large and boisterous Burns family, everything changes. Soon after his arrival, he runs into an alluring woman named Marie in a bookshop. For the first time in a very, very long time, Dan experiences real, live sparks--only to have to douse them liberally when he discovers Marie is, in fact, the brand-new girlfriend his brother Mitch is about to proudly introduce to the family. As the weekend gets underway in the close quarters of a crowded house filled with quirky, prying relatives, Dan and Marie try to squelch and cover up their growing mutual attraction at every turn, leading to one comical situation after another. Yet, no matter how hard they try to do the very opposite, Dan and Marie can''t help but fall in love. Now Dan is about to realize that no matter how wise safety might seem, when it comes to real life, he''s going to have to break all the rules.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Razor's Edge, The
When Steve returns from a river rafting trip, Marcy refuses to let him back into the house until he shaves his newly-grown beard, and he's forced to seek refuge with the Bundys.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
How Do You Spell Revenge?
Al is too busy scheming to get Peggy thrown off their neighbor-hood baseball team to notice that Kelly is about to be tattooed with the name of her latest boyfriend.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Earth Angel
When Bud brings a beautiful, homeless young woman to stay with the Bundys, Al and the rest of the neighborhood guys begin acting like sex-crazed teenagers.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Darnell Outed, Part 2
In the aftermath of having his cover blown, Darnell, Joy, and the kids are sent to a relocation facility where they are assigned new identities: Hasidic Jews from Columbus, Ohio; and Earl is determined to get Joy another shot at "Estrada or Nada."
TV-14
 

Tuesday, April 22

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff Day
When Jeff proclaims it's "Jeff Day," he gets his way until the cleaning lady arrives. Meanwhile, Adam has to figure out why his eye is twitching.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Randy's List Item
When Randy loses his winning lottery ticket, he assumes the event to be a message from Karma, so he starts a list of his own. Meanwhile, Joy is not happy with her cover identity of the witness protection program.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Watch Out
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Guys and Dolls
When Al and Steve become obsessed with collecting baseball cards, Peggy and Marcy dig out their old Barbie dolls and re-live their childhood fantasies.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Kwandanegaba Children's Fund Episode, The
Nick wants Lindsey and Kevin to give back to their community, so they select a charity they found online. But when the charity keeps asking for more and more money, Nick has to get to the bottom of it.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Faithless and the Faithful
Brown enters a Gospel Contest, one that he has consistently lost for six years but he thinks he can win this time.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Parental Payne
Calvin confronts Miranda, thinking she had an abortion. Meanwhile, Malik is cast in the school's production of Othello but the supposedly liberal father of the white girl cast opposite Malik won't allow Malik to kiss her in the play.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Support Your Local Parents
Michelle and Stephanie "blackmail" D.J. when they learn she got a traffic ticket in Danny's car. Jesse and Rebecca discover that their twin sons won't play with other children.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Grumpy Young Men
Will's date falls for Carlton; Philip and Hilary teach Ashley to drive.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Fresh Prince the Movie
Murder witness Will enters a witness protection program and life in an Alabama trailer park.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will's Misery
A new sorority pledge plans to teach Will a lesson; guest Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Goodbye, Toby Part 1
Michael throws an extravagant going-away party for Toby, and falls in love with the woman who is replacing him. Jim plans to propose to Pam at the party, but gets out-staged. Back at corporate, Ryan is arrested for fraud.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Goodbye, Toby Part 2
Michael realizes that his ex-girlfriend, Jan, is pregnant. Meanwhile, Jim's intention to propose to Pam is postponed when he hears that Andy has proposed to Angela. After accepting Andy's proposal, a bored Angela begins an affair with Dwight.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
All You Can Eat
After undergoing a stylish makeover, Cleveland Junior asks a girl to accompany him to the school prom. Mistakenly believing that Junior is a lesbian like her, the girl accepts.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures in Hayleysitting
The Smith family's regular babysitter, Lindsay (guest voice Alison Brie), breaks her leg in a soccer match, so Stan and Francine are forced to leave Steve with Hayley, despite her track record of being extremely irresponsible. When Hayley teases Steve about being a goody-two-shoes, Steve is determined to prove her wrong and sneaks out of the house to go to a party with the cool kids.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Supermarket Story
Carrie's plan for a simple Thanksgiving falls apart when she shops for food.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fixer Upper
Doug doesn't want Carrie to play matchmaker for Spence.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part I)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part 2)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Ex-Girlfriend, The
George puzzles over how to dump a domineering girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pony Remark, The
Jerry thinks his off-the-cuff remark killed a woman.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Splendid Source, The
Peter and his friends embark on a journey to find the source of the world's dirty jokes.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4527
Guests: The Cast of That Awkward Moment: Zac Efron and Miles Teller, Ellie Kemper, Neko Case featuring Calexio
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1040
Guests: Raw Food Expert David Wolfe
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4527
Guests: The Cast of That Awkward Moment: Zac Efron and Miles Teller, Ellie Kemper, Neko Case featuring Calexio
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1040
Guests: Raw Food Expert David Wolfe
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Evan Almighty
Newly elected to Congress, the polished, preening newscaster, Evan Baxter, is the next one anointed by God to accomplish a holy mission--walking in the footsteps of Bruce Almighty. Evan leaves Buffalo behind and shepherds his family to suburban northern Virginia. Once there, his life gets turned upside-down when God appears and mysteriously commands him to build an ark. But his befuddled family just can't decide whether Evan is having an extraordinary mid-life crisis or is truly onto something of Biblical proportions.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Build a Better Mousetrap
Al and Steve stare danger in the face when they decide to exterminate a pesky field mouse without the aid of professional help.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Master the Possibilities
When Buck, the Bundy family pooch, mistakenly receives a credit card in his name, Al and Peg decide to sample "the good life" and embark on a wild spending spree.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
All Peggy wants for Valentine's Day is to hear unromantic Al utter those three little words - I love you.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Friends with Benefits
Spencer and Ashley have a friendly competition for Aiden's affection, which gets a little out of hand. Clay and Sean have a night from hell as they are on their way back from the movies. When two dead bodies come into the ER, Paula and Arthur are forced to deal with the harsh realities of living in Los Angeles.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, April 23

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Zygote
When Jeff and Audrey see a fertility specialist with their surrogate, they discover a zygote. Meanwhile, Russell and Timmy go on double dates again.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
My Name Is Alias
Darnell's father Thomas comes looking for him in Camden only to raise Earl and Randy's suspicions, as it turns out that he is the reason for Darnell being in the Witness Protection Program.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Great Escape, The
When the Bundy family spends the night in Al's shoe store while their house is being exterminated, Kelly is forced to be especially creative in slipping out for the night.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Impo-Dent
When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Blockbuster Movie Episode, The
Nick and Suzanne try to attend a highly anticipated movie premiere, but when their busy schedules get in the way, both are tempted to secretly go to the movie without the other.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Truth
Brianna acts out in school and is suspended, Will and Carmen try to get to the bottom of her issues. Meanwhile, Pop Brown's portrait was stolen from Brown's house by some geeky frat boys and their punishment is to work in the home to make up for their prank.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payne, Payne Go Away
C.J., Janine and the kids move out of the Payne house. Meanwhile, Jazmine, feeling ignored by everyone and jealous of the twins, decides to run away.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Perfect Couple, The
Joey becomes the host of a game show searching for the perfect couple and invites Jesse and Rebecca, D.J. and Steve and Danny and Vicky as contestants. Danny questions his long-distance relationship with Vicky when circumstances arise that prevent her from flying to San Francisco and she sends a substitute.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Father Knows Best
Ashley drops out of private school; Hilary tries to broaden her talk show's demographics.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Soul Train
Carlton vies with Will in a dance contest on ``Soul Train''; guest Don Cornelius.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Love Hurts
Will's date fends off another guy with karate; guest Ken Griffey Jr.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Weight Loss Part 1
Michael tries to motivate the Scranton branch to lose weight as part of an interoffice competition. Jim is lost after Pam leaves for art school in New York, and Angela continues to see Dwight even though she is now engaged to Andy.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Weight Loss Part 2
Michael tries to motivate the Scranton branch to lose weight as part of an interoffice competition. Jim is lost after Pam leaves for art school in New York, and Angela continues to see Dwight even though she is now engaged to Andy.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Escape From Goochland
As Halloween approaches...Cleveland and his friends attended a rival high school's football game, only to find themselves stranded in enemy territory; Donna's sexy Halloween costume gets her into trouble with the police; Roberta and Junior dress up as Cleveland and Donna.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
A Langley Falls talk show outs Francine as "Baby Franny," the toddler who was once rescued from a well by a heroic fireman (guest voice Will Forte). Then, on the anniversary of her rescue, she falls down the well again and makes a shocking discovery. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger have an entrepreneurial "eureka!" moment when they think of the world's next game-changing business opportunity - male stripper shoes.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Crappy Birthday
Doug forgets Carrie's 30th birthday.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Noel Cowards
Arthur's Christmas gift drives Doug and Carrie crazy.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Busboy, The
A busboy loses his job and his cat because of George.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Baby Shower, The
Kramer persuades Jerry to get illegal cable service; guest Christine Dunford.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Restaurant, The
Jerry, Elaine and George need reservations at a Chinese restaurant.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Phone Message, The
George regrets a nasty message he put on a date's answering machine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Something, Something, Something Dark Side Part 1 & 2
When the Griffins experience a power outage, Peter decides to tell his version of the "Star Wars" saga, "The Empire Strikes Back."
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Welcome Back, Carter
Peter extorts Carter after finding out he's having an affair with another woman.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Deal With It
David Koechner and Alex Mandel
TIGER URINE: After divulging her digestive issues, this contestant reveals her questionable new dietary supplement that leaves a bad taste in her friend's mouth. Co-host: David Koechner. YOUR BIGGEST FAN: A superfan's flattery goes a little too far, when our contestant is tasked with convincing her rock star boyfriend to let the creepy stranger stay the night at his place. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4531
Guests: Martin Scorsese, Vanessa Bayer, Rock Candy Funk
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1043
Guests: Golden State Warriors forward Harrison Barnes
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4531
Guests: Martin Scorsese, Vanessa Bayer, Rock Candy Funk
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1043
Guests: Golden State Warriors forward Harrison Barnes
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''s wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Just Married ... with Children
Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Father Lode
Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
All in the Family
Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Chaz Dalton's Space Academy
Earl works on a list item that has to do with Chaz Dalton, his childhood hero. However, Chaz turns out to be somebody else. Meanwhile, Darnell tries to help Joy make friends using the internet and a site called "Buddybook".
TV-14
 

Thursday, April 24

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Anniversary Chicken
After Jeff stuns Audrey by remembering their wedding date the surprise is on Jeff. Timmy helps Russell on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Witch Lady
Earl works on a list item that deals with a crazy witch lady, but his plan backfires.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Pocket Dial Episode, The
After Nick gets pocket-dialed by Suzanne and overhears her telling Gigi something personal, he gets back at Suzanne by fake pocketing dialing her.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Future
Cora and Russell have begun dating. Brown is afraid that Cora will fall in love with Russell and leave him alone so he gives him the third degree and scares Russell away.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Marriage Paynes
All three couples go on an eye-opening marriage retreat. At the end of the retreat, Miranda asks Calvin for a divorce. Meanwhile, Claretha and Floyd babysit for the twins while everyone is away--it's scary.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Is It True About Stephanie?
Danny rearranges the furniture in order to cope with his sadness about ending his relationship with Vicky. Stephanie gets revenge on a schoolmate who plays a mean trick on her.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will's Up the Dirt Road
Tabloid-reporter Will gets into legal trouble with Jay Leno.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will Steps Out
Will thinks Lisa is dating another guy; guest Susan Powter.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Same Game, Next Season
Will makes a good impression with Lisa's dad (John Amos).
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Business Ethics
When Holly leads a seminar on ethics, she realizes how unethical the Scranton branch really is. Jim tallies Dwight's 'time theft'.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Baby Shower
Dwight helps Michael prepare for the birth of Jan's baby. Michael vows to feign dislike for Holly to appease Jan. Pam and Jim have trouble communicating while she's at art school.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Menace II Secret Society
Cleveland discovers the existence of a secret hip hop society after Kenny West refuses to share credit for a hit song they wrote together; Junior starts his own polka band.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger (Seth MacFarlane) announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina (Michelle Monaghan), a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend, so he can freely roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Best Man
Doug discovers Carrie's shocking secret at a wedding.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Dog Days
A barking dog keeps the Heffernans up all night.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Apartment, The
Jerry regrets encouraging Elaine to move into his building.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stranded, The
Waiting for a ride, Jerry and Elaine keep a party's host up late.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Statue, The
Jerry thinks a friend stole his statue, but doesn't know how to get it back.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Heart Attack, The
George thinks he's having a heart attack.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
And Then There Were Fewer Part 1 & 2
Some vacations are to die for.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Excellence in Broadcasting
Lois accuses conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh of brainwashing Brian into thinking he supports Republican values.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4535
Guests: Mel Brooks, Langhorne Slim
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1045
Guests: Rob Riggle
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4535
Guests: Mel Brooks, Langhorne Slim
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1045
Guests: Rob Riggle
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he's finally ahead of the game. And that's when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they're going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it's Nina's turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this '90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pinky
Earl helps Randy find his first love, Pinky.
TV-14
 

Friday, April 25

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Set Up, The
When Russell discovers Timmy has a sister, he aims to impress. Meanwhile, Jeff and Audrey set their neighbor Liz up on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Bullies
Earl tries to help a man he bullied in grade school, but hides his true identity because the man has become a scary bodybuilder.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Secret Episode, The
Lindsey has a new crush and Gigi has a new boyfriend, but when certain secrets can't be kept, a web of misinformation nearly ruins both situations.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Parents and the Plant
Will and Sasha try to find a way to get Brianna and Joaquin back, before the Turners adopt them. Meanwhile Brown thinks the frat boys next door are growing marijuana and leaps into action.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Ms. Curtis
Running into each other for the first time since she asked for a divorce, Calvin and Miranda get stuck in an elevator together. Meanwhile, Curtis accidentally takes Ella's estrogen pills, and we see his "softer" side.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Test, The
D.J. has a nightmare the night before an important test for college. VANNA WHITE guest stars.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Three's A Crowd
Lisa intrudes on Will and Carlton's annual ski trip.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
It's a Wonderful Lie
After lying about their plans, Will and Lisa wind up at the same party.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Bullets Over Bel-Air
Carlton buys a gun after he and Will are robbed.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Crime Aid
Following a burglary at Dunder Mifflin on the night of his third date with Holly, Michael organizes an auction to replace what was stolen. Pam has a job at corporate to help with finances. Dwight seeks Phyllis' help to win Angela back.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Employee Transfer
Michael helps Holly move following her transfer to Nashua, NH. Meanwhile, Pam discovers people at corporate are less enthused about Halloween than she, and Dwight agitates Andrew by applying to Cornell.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
General Thanksgiving Episode, A
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland opens a bar at the airport; Holt and his estranged father bond when Cleveland becomes trapped on a pilotless airplane.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan and his wife, Sexpun Tocome's honeymoon is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hungry Man
Doug embarrasses Carrie at her boss' cocktail party.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Court Date
Doug hatches a scheme after Carrie gets a traffic ticket.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Revenge, The
George seeks revenge on his ex-boss for not rehiring him.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Deal, The
Jerry and Elaine mull intimacy but without commitment.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Butter Shave, The
Jerry gets upset when a lame comic follows his act; Kramer uses butter.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Halloween on Spooner Street
On Halloween, Stewie plots revenge after his candy is taken away by bullies; Meg determines to use a Halloween disguise as a means of hooking up with a boy; Peter and Joe target Quagmire for Halloween pranks.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
X2: X-Men United
Mutants continue their struggle against a society that fears and distrusts them. Their cause becomes even more desperate following an incredible attack by an undetermined assailant possessing extraordinary abilities. The shocking attack renews the political and public outcry for both a Mutant Registration Act, and an anti-mutant movement, now led by William Stryker. A vocal, wealthy, former commander for the Army, Stryker, is rumored to have experimented on mutants. Stryker's dubious mutant "work" is somehow tied to Logan's/Wolverine's mysterious and forgotten past. As Logan/Wolverine searches for clues to his origin, Stryker puts into motion his anti-mutant program--launching a severe attack on Professor Xavier's mansion. Magneto, newly escaped from his plastic prison, proposes a partnership with Professor Xavier and the X-Men to combat their common and formidable enemy: Stryker. With the fates of Xavier, mankind, and mutantkind, in their hands, the X-Men face their most dangerous mission yet.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
1:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
1:30 am
Deal With It
David Koechner and Alex Mandel
TIGER URINE: After divulging her digestive issues, this contestant reveals her questionable new dietary supplement that leaves a bad taste in her friend's mouth. Co-host: David Koechner. YOUR BIGGEST FAN: A superfan's flattery goes a little too far, when our contestant is tasked with convincing her rock star boyfriend to let the creepy stranger stay the night at his place. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
2:00 am
Movie
DOA: Dead or Alive
Four beautiful women begin as rivals in a secret invitational-only martial arts contest, but find themselves teaming up with another against a sinister force. Tina Armstrong is a superstar in the world of women's wrestling. Christie is a beautiful cat-thief and assassin-for-hire. Princess Kasumi is an Asian warrior-aristocrat, schooled by martial arts masters. Helena Douglas is an extreme sports athlete whose tragic past binds her to the remote palace in Southeast Asia where the Dead or Alive tournament takes place.
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Field of Schemes
Jeff is forced to let Karen play in an annual softball game.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Gospel
Earl turns his karmic attentions on a reverend whom he aggrieved in the past. But forgiveness is fleeting when the religious figure finds out about Earl's many other misdeeds. Meanwhile, Joy is a blade runner: She hits Catalina with a riding mower.
TV-14
 

Saturday, April 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
7:30 am
Deal With It
David Koechner and Alex Mandel
TIGER URINE: After divulging her digestive issues, this contestant reveals her questionable new dietary supplement that leaves a bad taste in her friend's mouth. Co-host: David Koechner. YOUR BIGGEST FAN: A superfan's flattery goes a little too far, when our contestant is tasked with convincing her rock star boyfriend to let the creepy stranger stay the night at his place. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Oh Christmas Payne Pt. 1
When Jazmine fails to appreciate the real meaning of Christmas, family members and friends share their own versions of the Nativity story with the family taking on the roles of Mary, Joseph and the innkeeper.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet Your Match
Brown feels guilty about scaring Russell off, so to make up for it, he secretly sets up a date for Cora using an online dating service. Meanwhile, London and Jesus help Miss Daisy prepare for an audition, with unexpected consequences.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Lindsey Dances Episode, The
Lindsey auditions to dance in a P-Nut music video, but considers quitting when she discovers that the choreographer is a drill sergeant and the other dancers are far more experienced.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
S'ain't Valentine's
Arthur meets an intoxicating woman (Anne Meara) at a St. Valentine's Day dance.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
White Collar
A new promotion makes Doug miserable.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil's bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
5:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Rayney Day
Doug plays golf in the rain; guest Ray Romano.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Train Wreck
Doug is disappointed when his beautiful young trainee doesn't make Carrie jealous.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Breakup Tape, The
Ray is jealous when Debra shows him the mementos she saved from past relationships.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Talk to Your Daughter
To prove to Debra he is a responsible parent, Ray decides to talk with Ally about sex.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Vote for Debra, A
Debra decides to run for president of the school governing board.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Call Me Mom
Ray and Debra agree to call their respective mothers-in-law ``mom.''
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Deal With It
David Koechner and Alex Mandel
TIGER URINE: After divulging her digestive issues, this contestant reveals her questionable new dietary supplement that leaves a bad taste in her friend's mouth. Co-host: David Koechner. YOUR BIGGEST FAN: A superfan's flattery goes a little too far, when our contestant is tasked with convincing her rock star boyfriend to let the creepy stranger stay the night at his place. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
11:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Journey to the Center of the Earth
No one believes that Trevor Anderson is on to something. The science professor's unconventional hypotheses have put him on the fringe of the academic community. But during an expedition in Iceland, Trevor and his teenage nephew, Sean, accompanied by their beautiful local guide, Hannah, make a breakthrough discovery that launches them on a thrilling adventure into the unknown. As their journey takes them deep beneath the Earth's surface, they travel through never-before-seen worlds that bring them face-to-face with surreal and unimaginable creatures, stretching the bounds of the visionary scientist's own imagination.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, April 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 1), The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 2), The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fianci.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Journey to the Center of the Earth
No one believes that Trevor Anderson is on to something. The science professor's unconventional hypotheses have put him on the fringe of the academic community. But during an expedition in Iceland, Trevor and his teenage nephew, Sean, accompanied by their beautiful local guide, Hannah, make a breakthrough discovery that launches them on a thrilling adventure into the unknown. As their journey takes them deep beneath the Earth's surface, they travel through never-before-seen worlds that bring them face-to-face with surreal and unimaginable creatures, stretching the bounds of the visionary scientist's own imagination.
TV-PG
12:25 pm
Movie
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
An extra-terrestrial is accidentally left behind on Earth and is befriended by a young boy and his brother and sister. As Elliot attempts to help his extra-terrestrial companion contact his home planet so that he might be rescued, the children must elude scientists and government agents determined to apprehend the alien for their own purposes...which results in an adventure greater than any of them could have imagined.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Movie
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Cowboys & Aliens
1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don't welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde. It's a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he's been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella, he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
When a missing page from the diary of John Wilkes Booth surfaces, Ben's great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in Abraham Lincoln's death. Determined to prove his ancestor's innocence, Ben follows an international chain of clues that takes him on a chase from Paris to London and ultimately back to America. This journey leads Ben and his crew not only to surprising revelations--but to the trail of the world's most treasured secrets.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
When a missing page from the diary of John Wilkes Booth surfaces, Ben's great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in Abraham Lincoln's death. Determined to prove his ancestor's innocence, Ben follows an international chain of clues that takes him on a chase from Paris to London and ultimately back to America. This journey leads Ben and his crew not only to surprising revelations--but to the trail of the world's most treasured secrets.
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
An extra-terrestrial is accidentally left behind on Earth and is befriended by a young boy and his brother and sister. As Elliot attempts to help his extra-terrestrial companion contact his home planet so that he might be rescued, the children must elude scientists and government agents determined to apprehend the alien for their own purposes...which results in an adventure greater than any of them could have imagined.
TV-PG
3:35 am
Movie (DVS)
Cowboys & Aliens
1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don't welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde. It's a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he's been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella, he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
TV-14
 

Monday, April 28

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Beating the System
When Jeff and Audrey learn their surrogate is pregnant, both of their lives change. Meanwhile, Timmy takes on the responsibility of wedding planner for Adam and Jennifer.
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 1
News show "Inside Probe" investigated the disappearance of the Crab Shack owner. When Darnell is finally able to sign the release papers due to no longer being in witness protection, the show airs on TV after eight years, turning several Camden residents into murder suspects.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
V.I.P. Tickets Episode, The
Nick angers Suzanne when he invites Martin to an exclusive sporting event before inviting his wife.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Profits
Brown starts charging the residents (and Cora) for amenities around the house--and it gets way out of hand: pay toilet, vending machine in the kitchen, parking meters, etc. The residents plot their revenge on Brown. Meanwhile, Will is threatened when Sasha is offered a job that pays more than he makes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Where There's a Will, There's a Way
After the death of a friend, Curtis and Ella prepare a will. Meanwhile, Miranda's mom pays a visit.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Joey's Funny Valentine
Joey's new girlfriend, a comedienne, embarrasses the Tanner household by joking about them in her comedy routine.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Decent Proposal, A
Will proposes to reluctant Lisa; accident-prone Hilary stalls Will's recovery.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will Is from Mars...
Will and Lisa attend counseling with the Jeffersons (Sherman Hemsley, Isabel Sanford).
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Wedding Show (Psyche!), The
To avoid family bickering, Will and Lisa elope; guest Isaac Hayes.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Customer Survey
Dwight and Jim are shocked when they get the results of the annual customer survey report. Pam and Jim spend every minute together on their Bluetooth phones, and Angela and Andy pick an unusual location for their wedding.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Business Trip
Michael is sent on a business trip to Canada and brings Oscar and Andy along with him. Meanwhile, Jim counts down the days until Pam is done with art school.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Turkey Pot Die
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland takes Junior to a turkey farm to pick out holiday dinner, but Junior concocts a plot to set the birds free; Donna and Rallo set to work building a Thanksgiving parade float.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an Emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Where's Poppa
Hit by a foul ball, Doug ends up at Dr. Becker's and makes a friend (Bill Cosby).
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Time Share
Doug and Carrie befriend their weird neighbors in order to get a Hamptons time share.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fianci. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Merv Griffin Show, The
Jerry dates a toy collector; Kramer thinks he finds a TV show's furniture set.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Baby, You Knock Me Out
Peter coaxes Lois into entering an amateur boxing match, where Lois easily defeats her opponent-launching her career as a professional pugilist.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Writes a Best Seller
After Brian writes a bestselling self-help book, he hires Stewie to be his publicist and begins treating him poorly during a book promotion.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Road to the North Pole Part 1 & 2
Brian and Stewie take their adventures to the North Pole to seek out Santa Claus.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Treadmill Dump
A new crop of contestants, including an oversized magician, hope their bag of tricks can handle what Bam and the boys throw at them. Challenges include a dizzying obstacle course and a precarious elevated treadmill, not to mention being turned into crash test dummies on an inverted zip line.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4563
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1055
Guests: Lennon Parham & Jessica St. Clair
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4563
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1055
Guests: Lennon Parham & Jessica St. Clair
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Lottery Ticket
Kevin Carson a young man living in the projects, is just an ordinary Guy -- until he wins $370 million in the Mondo Millions Lottery. That's the good news. The bad news is, the lottery claim office is closed for the long Fourth of July weekend, so, before he can collect his prize, Kevin is going to have to figure out how to keep a lid on his good fortune and survive the next three days. As news of his windfall spreads through the community like a grass fire, Kevin quickly discovers the good, the bad and the ugly in his closest friends and neighbors. Girls who could never be bothered before start chasing him down. Everyone wants a piece of him-including the reverend, the local loan shark and one very threatening recent parolee won't take no for an answer. On edge and on the run, he even begins to question the intentions of his best friend, Benny. He also starts to realize the power he holds in his hands and what this lottery ticket could really mean to him, his future, and the community. It's funny what people will do when money is involved.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 2
How did the Crab Shack's owner disappear Was it an alien abduction; a hundred-year-old feud; or could the victim's fetish videos be the answer When the truth is revealed, everyone is shocked to find that the answer has been under their noses all along.
TV-14
 

Tuesday, April 29

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff Photo, The
When an old photo of Jeff appears in an art gallery, he decides it's time to make some changes in his life. Meanwhile, Russell experiences a slump with women until he sees a familiar face.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Dodge's Dad
When Dodge wants his real father to appear at his school's career day, Earl sees the opportunity to make up for ruining Dodge's career day once, but in order to do that he needs to find Dodge's real dad, much to Joy's dismay.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Quarantine Episode, The
When Marilyn brings a dangerous flu back from a trip to Mexico, the family must stay inside their house under quarantine.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Class
Cora gets a job substitute teaching, thinking she'll be teaching "little angels". But she is tested when she's assigned some of the toughest students in the school. Meanwhile, Brown and London compete in a "fashion showdown" for a NY designer.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Epic Fail
Ella is overwhelmed and falls behind in her studies due to church duties, household duties, taking care of Curtis and the rest of the family. Ella fails a test she needed to graduate and she snaps on the family. Meanwhile, Calvin and Miranda realize it's the day of their anniversary, and they both pretend they didn't forget.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Last Dance, The
Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis dies in his sleep during his visit to the Tanner household, and Danny, his daughters and Jesse cope with their grief in different ways.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Slum Like It...Not
Will and Carlton try to bring Phil's new real estate investment up to code.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
As the Will Turns
The lead in a daytime drama (Leanne Hunley) wants Will for her co-star.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Save the Last Trance for Me
Carlton hires a hypnotist for Will's bash; Nicky interviews for school.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Frame Toby
Michael tries to frame Toby after he discovers he's back working in the office. Someone makes a big mess in the microwave at the office and won't clean it up. Jim buys his parents' house.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Surplus, The
With a $4,300 surplus to spend, the workers fight amongst themselves in order to get what they want. Andy and Angela go to Schrute Farms to work on wedding plans.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Vas Deferens Between Men and Women, A
Complications ensue when Donna decides she wants another child; Rallo lands the lead role in a local production of the musical "Annie."
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure
Stan reveals that the C.I.A. has a cloning machine at work. Steve and Snot decide to use the machine to clone girls so that they will finally have prom dates. The cloning process backfires as the girls emerge as babies.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Poltergasm
Steve and Roger discover that the house is haunted. The ghost appears as an apparition of a younger Francine. The ghost grows more powerful until it attacks Hayley's boyfriend and pulls him into the netherworld.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Maybe Baby
Doug and Carrie contemplate having a baby; Arthur recalls the day Carrie was born.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Art House
Arthur gets his own apartment after Doug's patience wears too thin.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Betrayal, The
Elaine drags Jerry and George to a wedding in India; Kramer's life is threatened.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
New Kidney in Town
Peter ruins his kidneys after concocting his own energy drink, prompting Brian to volunteer donating his organs; as President Obama plans on visiting the high school, Chris plagiarizes Meg's thoughts for an essay on hope.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4564
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1056
Guests: RETTA Network Debut of True Detective Parody
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4564
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1056
Guests: RETTA Network Debut of True Detective Parody
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Man of the Year
Acerbic performer Tom Dobbs has made his career out of skewering politicians and speaking the mind of the exasperated nation on his talk show. He cracked scathing jokes at a fractured system night after night--until he came up with a really funny idea: why not run for president himself? After a flip comment, Dobbs ignites a grassroots movement that puts him on the ballot. Hot on the campaign trail, he debates elected drones and says exactly what frustrated voters have often thought. Nov. 2nd later, the muckraker wins--only to learn that a computer voting error gave him the victory. With time ticking on the inaugural clock, Dobbs has a big decision to make: should he go back behind the mike or stay in the Oval Office?
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pilot
An epiphany prompts a small-time crook to right the wrongs he has done in his life, beginning with a grade-schooler (Gregg Binkley) he teased.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, April 30

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Double Down
Jeff and Audrey panic when they are told they might be having twins. Meanwhile, Russell throws a citizenship party for Timmy to impress a girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Quit Smoking
Earl decides that one way he can balance the karmic scales is by quitting smoking, but this proves to be more difficult than he imagined.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Tit for Tat Episode, The
When a new buxom woman gets hired at the station, Nick's career is threatened. Suzanne takes matters into her own hands to save her husband's job.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet Mommie Dearest
Brianna and Joaquin's mother (Tanya) returns from jail. She finds out Will and Sasha are planning to adopt the kids, but she's determined to get them back so she can live off the welfare checks from her kids. Meanwhile, the Colonel starts taking the "little blue pill" to improve his romantic life only for Brown to accidentally take a handful and he's up all night.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Foster Paynes
Ella brings home a troubled youth from the Help Center. Meanwhile, Janine and Miranda compete to get in a competitive day care.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Kissing Cousins
Jesse's Greek cousin, Stavros, visits the Tanner household and takes advantage of their generosity and kindness.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Cold Feet, Hot Body
A new student (Robin Givens) trying to seduce Will befriends Lisa.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
To Thine Own Self Be Blue...and Gold
Phil's fraternity brother, a successful businessman, offers Will an internship.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Love in an Elevator
Will, Carlton and a friend are trapped in a hotel elevator.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Moroccan Christmas
Phyllis blackmails Angela into doing the work for the Christmas party, which Michael turns into an intervention after Meredith gets drunk and sets her hair on fire. Meanwhile, Dwight corners the market on a popular Christmas gift.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Duel, The
Thanks to Michael's big mouth, Andy finally learns that his beloved Angela had an affair with Dwight, a discovery that incites the two romantic rivals to square off. Elsewhere, Michael is on edge about a corporate appointment with bigwig Wallace.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
'Tis The Cleveland To Be Sorry
As Christmas approaches...Cleveland pretends to be homeless after discovering that food at a local shelter is better than the meals Donna prepares.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Buck, Wild
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Like Hell
Doug tries to impress new driver Jared when he learns he was the only one at IPS not invited to Jared's barbecue.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Five Steaks And an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby On the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
And I'm Joyce Kinney
Lois is horrified when television news reporter Joyce Kinney exposes Lois as a former pornographic film star.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends of Peter G.
After Peter is arrested for a public intoxication, a judge sentences him to attend AA meetings-where Peter and Brian convince their AA brethren that the best place to get drunk is at the meeting.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
German Guy
Herbert warns Chris that the kind old German puppeteer Chris has befriended is a Nazi war criminal.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Deal With It
Bob Saget and Chuey Martinez
DOUBLE DATE: When our contestant reveals to her sister that she's set them both up on a blind date with two guys from the Internet, neither of their dates comes anywhere close to being "prince charming." Co-host: Chuey Martinez. DIRTY VEGETABLES: Bob Saget's new book "Dirty Daddy" inspires a bevy of bizarre behavior from our contestant, and when he ducks for cover, his date may just duck out the door. Co-host: Bob Saget.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4565
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1057
Guests: New Yorker Cartoon Editor Bob Mankoff, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4565
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1057
Guests: New Yorker Cartoon Editor Bob Mankoff, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Our Family Wedding
"Our marriage, their wedding." It''s lesson number one for any newly engaged couple, and Lucia and Marcus are no exception. They learn the hard way that the path to saying "I do" can be rife with familial strife. When they return from college and too suddenly announce their marriage plans, they soon discover that their fathers - two highly competitive over-the-top egos - can wreak a major amount of havoc on their special day. With insults flying and tempers running high, it''s anyone''s guess if the alpha dads will survive to make it down the aisle in one piece. Lucia''s mother is busy planning the wedding of "her" dreams and the only levelheaded one in the bunch is Angela, the groom''s father''s best friend and lawyer, who manages to keep her cool when the madness reaches a crescendo. With only weeks to plan their wedding, Lucia and Marcus soon discover the true meaning of love and find there is truth to the saying - that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Randy's Touchdown
Earl tries to amend for an unethical sports wager on a high-school game that deprived his brother Randy of a chance to score a touchdown.
TV-14